Unprotected moments

I try my hardest to not let things drag me down. I try super hard to control my situations that I can control. I have learned how to detatch from those situations that I can’t control and cannot affect to prevent myself from being overrun with anxiety. It is a weird thing for me to do as it has been against the nature of who I have been growing up. I was forever tormented by the “What ifs”. I still am, but I try to shut those things up pretty fast.

Today was not a good day. I’m trying to have them, I really am, but life currently is not a fun ride and there is very little in my future that says it’s going to change anytime soon, even if I take all the actions I have planned. I’ll still take them, but, I’m aware, it’s not going to put a significant dent in anything on their own. It’s the collective bunch that are going to do that, if they are successful.

In August, I was suddenly removed from unemployment insurance. No explanation, no notice, nothing. I literally called UI 5 – 8 times a day, only to be told there was no agents available and the line was hung up. Eventually, at the end of Sept., I managed to get a hold of someone at the local office who said that my old employer was disputing my claim, saying that I quit, even though they had let me go, paying me a month’s severance when they did. I was advised to fax in a statement and any supporting documents and a deputy would be in contact with me…eventually.

It’s been almost 6 months. I’ve not even received a letter stating why my UI had been suspended. I have heard nothing from UI and the local office I called is no longer taking calls. I have no idea if this will ever be resolved, if I fell through the cracks, if I will be forced to pay back the UI I received or anything.

Finances are a *huge* mental health issue for me. If I feel financially unstable, I become depressed, lethargic, useless. It is something that I am well aware of, but unless I can pull in a job that secures me financially indefinately, there is literally nothing I can do to change this. I’ve tried. I can redirect myself, set goals, do all the things, but if there’s no money, my mental health is for shit.

I’m dealing with it as best I can, but I’m not going to lie. It’s very slowly consuming me. I make under $200 a week currently. That won’t change with my promotion much. I am the only person with income. I have no spouse or other person bringing in a second income. It squarely sits on my shoulders. It’s a lot of weight. It also beats in how alone I am in this life.

I say all this because a friend of mine has recently become unemployed. They managed to find a temporary job right away, but that is over. When they lost their one job, they called me nearly every day to talk about their anxiety and worries about money. They even called me on my birthday, not to wish me a happy birthday, but to talk about their anxiety at their lack of income. They didn’t do anything to acknowledge that this has been my life since the end of March with unemployment and since August with no money coming in. Absolutely no acknowledgement at all, but expected me to be sympathetic, which I was, because, yes, it sucks.

Their temporary job ended and they started filing for unemployment again, but was suspended due to the temp job. For the last week, I have been dealing with their phone calls about their anxiety over this. Every single day.

When I was going through all this, I would mention it from time to time, but since they were in a good position at that moment, it went unacknowledged. Like my problems weren’t worthy to listen to. It’s hard not to be bitter, but I do try to be a better person, and the kind of friend I need and want. Also, it’s my problem and while it’s okay to vent every now and again, it’s better to just buck up and do than sit and wallow in worry. But it is that huge monster standing behind you at all times, even if you say nothing.

He received a letter earlier this week asking him to call a number to speak with someone. I’m glad he got some answers, even while I am still waiting to get my initial letter of suspension. I wished him luck because calling and talking to someone is like winning the lottery. Experience has shown me, he’s going to be waiting.

This morning, I receive a text from them, saying it was resolved and things are good again. I said that was great and glad he got it resolved. Then he said, “You just have to be persistent!” And that ultimately pissed me off. It was tone deaf and absolutely callous considering my last 6 months. It literally said that I obviously haven’t been trying hard enough. Eventually, I said, “Thanks. Fuck you.”

It’s hard enough when I am already dealing with some seriously mental battles to do everything I can to completely give up, believe the things my brain says about me being worthless, worth more dead than alive and not worth having anyone to give a shit about me. I already know all these things. It is even harder when friends prove that the shit things my brain says to me that I fight to ignore are actually true.

I need new people in my life, but where? How? I need people who are actually interested in investing in me and wanting to give the same love and care I give. I can’t keep going by myself, or with these “friends” who support the evil brain beliefs.

I will continue to struggle. Continue to fight, but jesus christ, it’s getting harder and harder to do. I’m honestly not sure how much more fight I have left in me anymore, especially not alone…

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