The inabilty to do

I suffer from exectuive dysfunction. It is frustrating, disappointing and annoying.

It is often associated with ADHD, however, it is also something present in people who have PTSD, depression and/or anxiety. It is the reason I have my planner and why I try to stick closely to it at times. There is nothing more frustrating than having the time to do the things, but not the ability to actually convince the body it needs to do them.

This weekend was the last three day weekend I will have in a very long time. I had plans to cook, clean, create, do yardwork and a variety of other things that do need to be done. I did get some errands run, I did my laundry, did some painting…it wasn’t a total bust, but it wasn’t nearly as productive as I had planned. Instead, it mostly consisted of me sitting in bed, being cold, playing games and being angry at myself for not doing the things, but still unable to do the things.

Usually when this happens, I set a time limit where I have to stop what I’m doing and do the thing I need to do. It was how I got the laundry done, which did need doing. Setting a time forces me to at least feel like I’m fulfilling the need to do nothing while still getting something done. It’s a weird agreement that I have made with my brain, but it often works.

I know there is nothing inherently wrong with taking time to relax, to not put pressure on myself to do as much as possible and productivity is not a requirement for life. That it’s okay to just exist and be at peace for a while. That productivity isn’t a measure of being a better person. To not judge myself based off how I chose to enjoy a three day weekend over not doing all the things.

Maybe one day I will be okay with what feels like a gross abuse of time. Until then, I’ll squeeze all the things I should have done into the week, while taking care of the things that I have to do this week as well. Next week, my schedule flips to nights, so maybe I can get a bit more done, being a morning person more than an evening person. We’ll see.

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