Literally forever

It’s been forever and a day since I last wrote here. Hard to believe a month has passed by already!

It isn’t that things haven’t been busy. I just haven’t had the urge to express myself. I’ve been spending the time realizing that I needed Roger far more than I thought, wondering if I might be somewhat bipolar, and trying to convince myself to do things when I’m not working. I’ve been successful at gardening and writing during that down time and not much else. A part of me feels like a failure at not doing more, but the other part wants need to rest and not become overwhelmed with the idea that every minute needs to be spent in productivity. It’s a hard balance.

It’s still too cold here to plant outside, though my potatoes are extremely happy. I need to go out today and cover these growing green leaves with dirt today to avoid the freeze the next two nights. I’ve learned that beets need to be germinated outside and not inside. I’ve also learned that the soil I have had tomatoes in isn’t as rich as the soil the potatoes are currently in. I’ve also decided to have some sweet peas inside a small greenhouse to enjoy the blooms and plant some outside for food. I also have a friend who has become emotionally invested in my celery seedlings. If they lived closer, I’d send them some of the harvest. But so far, gardening has been somewhat successful and certainly a learning experience.

I became overwhelmed with the yardwork. It is just too much for me to do alone, though I got through quite a bit. I have a landscaper coming out who will be excavating the spaces that desperately need it. I’ll get those spaces covered in mulch once done, then plan a bit of garden spaces for next year. I’m hoping to plant some bay leaf trees and lavendar, and go from there.

I’ve applied to so many jobs, it’s disheartening. It’s an employer’s market, so what they want to pay makes it so it isn’t beneficial for me to take the long commute for the job and a lot of employers still don’t seem to believe their office spaces aren’t actually necessary. You would have thought that would have changed with the lockdown and quarantine, but it seems like employers refuse to get out of the 1970’s ideologies. I hope things change soon.

My current job is going well. It’s not what I want to do but it at least pays a small part of the bills for now. I need to motivate myself to do more to supplement my income, but the brain seems to want idolatry. I have no idea why.

I find myself seeing so much wrong and broken in this nation that is causing real suffering and hardship and I’m tired of seeing those in power give zero shits about those that aren’t rich. We need massive changes in this nation, and it feels like we’re on the precipice of major change, but experience has said it won’t happen because it helps “the wrong people” aka, the rich. I’m disappointed daily in humanity and those who have the ability to make great changes and do either nothing or the bare minimum. We deserve better as human beings, yet out default setting seems to be screwing the worst off the most and i don’t understand why, because it hurts no one and makes life and society much better.

I will make every attempt to be here more. Thanks for sticking with me as I fight my desire to hide.

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