The long fall

It has been a long while since I last wrote. So much has happened.

I got a new job. It has mentally and emotionally broken me in so many ways and I have often felt like crying when I got home every day for the first two months. The training was horrible and literally everything was my fault even though I was horribly under prepared for any of it. It made me seriously question if I really was too old to be working anymore or if it was time to reconsider my life options.

I persevered, however, and while it still has a lot of angsty, tearful moments, I feel a lot more secure.

The other added bonus is that I can now breathe easier financially. It feels like forever since I have been able to feel stable in finances. it has been a long time coming and honestly, I’m saving and taking care of things. It feels good.

I have been dealing with health issues since July. It has been exhausting, nauseating and painful. The Dr thought that maybe it was due to stress and put me on Lexapro to see if that would calm my anxiety.

Boy howdy.

If I had known this stuff worked the way it does, I would have asked for it much sooner. I still have anxious moments that exceed the meds, but for the most part, I feel “normal”, or what I believe other people live and see as normal. It has truly been amazing to not be flooded day in and day out with intrusive thoughts, worrisome ideas and general nihilism. I asked to be kept on it as it was really helping my over all wellbeing mentally.

Back in July, I decided to start a local crocheting club. We get together every Saturday in town. It really has been such a good thing for me and the woman who have been coming are a true joy to be amongst. We talk, laugh, crochet and have a great time for 2 hours every week. It has helped me have faith in the people around me again and that is good.

I also took another dive into potentially dating. I met someone and we were hitting it off, but when I set up things to meet, the conversation began to dissipate. I asked a couple times if they were still interested, if they had found someone else, etc. They said they hadn’t. It brought to the surface my neediness and I was able to take a deeper look at it, find where it started, where it had been reinforced and allowed me to work through that and understand a bit more what I need from someone. I did try to discuss it with this person, but the response was less than warm and honestly, that was a better thing than I would have guessed. I woke up at 1:30 am this morning and decided to cancel my plans to meet them and told them my feelings. They replied with “I’m sorry you feel that way” which is in instant strike. I don’t accept that as an apology. As someone else said, it is the quintessential non-apology. He also said that it hadn’t been the first time he had been told he wasn’t supportive. His response when I asked him if he had worked on that to see how he could be he said, ‘No. I just need to find someone who accepts that, or I will just stay single.” Um..that’s really not okay. If you keep hearing the same thing and you think you don’t have luck with dating, those two are very huge signs that the most common denominator in the dysfunction is yourself. To refuse to acknowledge that you may need to do some personal work, make yourself accountable for yourself and how you affect others, and work towards better relationships is really…just ew. Sorry. if you aren’t willing to even consider that maybe you have some inner work to do, you’re kind of a garbage partner in my book.

I’m grateful that my intuition starting ringing and I listened. I feel I dodged a bullet. I realized I was starting to make excuses for his lack of communication, and I stopped myself realizing, no…I deserve the kind of relationship I need, and I don’t need to make concessions for someone who doesn’t want to do more than not be present. It has been a trap I have long allowed myself to fall into so I’m glad I stopped that noise before I convinced myself otherwise. That was exactly where I was headed and that is where I have always ended up in relationships where I feel like I am not fulfilled. I don’t make excuses for myself and I’m absolutely going to remember to never do it for others either.

We ended as friends. This way, I don’t have to think about these things in a way that directly or personally affects me and I’m good with that. It is easier for me to segregate my feelings and be platonic without being upset that someone refuses to meet my expectations or needs. It’s selfish, I know, but I have catered to so many people with no benefit to myself except getting angry and feeling used.

But each encounter is a chance to learn more about myself, how I interact, what I need and what I need to look for, so honestly, yeah, the experience sucked, but I learned a lot more about myself and found ways to grow from it all so I’m happy. I feel like I’m on my way to healthier relationships as I work through some of my past shitty relationships. Something I have really needed to do, even if is it late in the game.

My tarot cards this morning at 2:30 were The Chariot, the 4 of Swords, and The Lovers. I haven’t pulled them in a while, and when I did, they are were all happy, peaceful cards, so I was glad to pull a few that had some real meat and substance to them. My altar this last new moon as reset for love, friendship and deep compassionate connections. Honestly, I feel that I have taken the first intentional step on that road, and it feels good.

Life is slowly looking up. Things are slowly happening. I am looking forward to seeing what the future has in store.