Catching up and Connections

It is odd to have a moment of time where I have no work to do.

It has been an exceptionally demoralizing and panic-stricken time with this job. Part is definitely my fault in not full comprehending what is needed. The other part is just the hurried and poor training that I have been given from the onset. Every time I feel like I have gotten things under control and within my confidence levels, something comes along to destroy that confidence. I’m really hoping that I have reached that place where I understand what I’m doing, I understand what the job needs me to do on the regular, and that I have now enough info to do it successfully. There are still hiccups, but at least I feel like I have things more under control than before.

Lexapro has been a blessing and a curse in this as well. I admit, there is something super nice about not overthinking and oversinking things in my head. It’s a relief to just have moments of no thoughts. It does also create a sense of no urgency, so that can affect my work too. I am working with that to make sure I’m not leaving anything undone. All the trackers! LOL And sometimes, the panic triggered does go above my meds, and I do have moments of disassociation because of it, but it isn’t nearly as bad as it would be if I weren’t on the meds and I’m extremely thankful for that. This job, without the meds, would have truly broken me.

So, I feel there is an upswing right now and that it will stay. I am getting a comfort level with the job and that is good. I’m still going to talk to my old employer and see if I can negotiate a come back that will be as beneficial as this job. I’m not entirely hopeful they can pay me what I’m going to ask, but, I’m still hopeful enough to try. Coming back home at 3:30 again and the no stress workspace would be amazing, if nothing else.

I do appreciate the income though and it is really nice to feel secure. I’m hoping that maybe I can get that from my old job, but we’ll see.

I am looking forward to starting a bullet journal again. I am getting things set up to start. I’d like to start now, but it just seems like it would be better to start on the new year. This is the first year I’ve been without a planner and honestly, I have missed having one. I write down all my work for each day at work, which I do enjoy doing. I am really looking forward to applying it to my daily life.

Because of Lexapro, I haven’t been deep in the thoughts like I used to be. I kind of miss that. I miss mulling over ideas and thoughts, turning them over and getting familiar with the processes and reasons for those thoughts. It isn’t that I don’t have them. I do. They just aren’t the imposing thoughts they were before. I can touch on them off and on throughout the day, instead of becoming obsessed to digest as much info on them as possible. It’s kind of fascinating, really. I don’t take so much so seriously anymore.

One of the things that I have been thinking about recently is how many people think their lives are boring. That they don’t feel like they have anything worth talking about, but yet, they have things they enjoy doing. They just don’t feel it is worth talking about. This whole idea confuses me. I mean, I’m aware that my hobbies and interests aren’t for everyone, and it may not be as interesting to other people as it is to me, but, they are things I like or love to do. They fill me with joy, happiness, and pride, even when they go wrong. I love to talk about it. I love it when people take interest in those things and ask me about them. I love the opportunity to talk about them, even if I know that it is not a thing they may not really care about or know much about. It gives me a chance to talk vibrantly about something I enjoy and why. It allows me a chance to show them what I can do or what I am doing or my plans.

The reluctance to discuss the things you love and enjoy makes me wonder why do you enjoy them then? Why do you do them if you think they are boring or boring to others? How do you know they will be? You haven’t talked about it. Maybe the person you are talking to is an avid fan of whatever you do. Maybe that person has some really good memories tied up in that same thing that you might invoke when you talk about it. Maybe they have always wondered about that thing and had no one they could ask about it. Maybe, your interest starts their own interest that you can share together.

But if you don’t say anything because you think it’s boring, you’ll never know. You will never make that connection. You will never have something else in common with someone.

Why would you risk that for fear of sounding boring?

Maybe I think differently than others on this. I don’t know. I just know, I’m happy to talk about the things I like to do. I love being asked. I love being given the opportunity. I worry about anyone who doesn’t because it sounds like they are not happy with their own lives or find any joy in what they do.