The loveless

It’s Valentine’s Day. That singular day of the year that reminds me I’m shitty at finding soulmates.

I try not to whine about it, find the positives of being single, and try to remind myself that I am complete as a person without someone else, but, I know that if I had someone who was invested in me, my life might be less…whatever it is. Stifled? Compressed? Whatever that thing is that you do with your emotions because you have no one who gives a shit long enough to listen… I’m sure there’s a word or phrase for it, but it’s escaping me at the moment.

I have the worst ability to pick a mate. I don’t know if that is because of my dysfunctional upbringing, my inability to trust, my weird projecting what I want to see and not what is really there, or what…I just don’t have what it takes to pick someone who compliments my life and self. I end up finding people who don’t want to invest or include themselves in a meaningful way, and instead, just want to take what they need without giving back in the ways I need. And it sucks because, while I think I’m needy as fuck, apparently, my “needs” are just what every person wants; to be cared about, to be considered, to be cherished, to be wanted, to be valued for myself and to be considered an equal and not an ends to a means. If these are “normal”, then one would think it would be easy to find in someone else. To that, I say, HA.

In groups, I see women posting, “my husband heard me saying I need this, and he just made it!” I hope they realize how lucky they are because this is something that has literally never happened to me. To have someone that thoughtful who hears a need, and fulfills it, without being asked is amazing. Whether it’s building shelves, or just offering a hug to help hold you together…that is something that I have never known. It must be an amazing experience.

Not to say that I haven’t had people who loved me. I have. And a few of them would have been this kind of person. However, at those times when they appeared, I was messed up, didn’t know what I wanted, what I needed, and wouldn’t have had any way to determine these things from a place of experience or knowledge. I was mentally unwell most of my younger adult life, deeply scarred by anxiety and heavy in PTSD modes of self destruction, self hatred, and feelings of not deserving anything good in my life. That was not a place to start a relationship, and certainly not a healthy one. I don’t regret not continuing relationships with these people who loved me. They deserved a better person than I was at that time.

Now that I’m older, and potentially wiser, I am in a better position for a relationship. Sadly, I’m now like the older animals at the pound. Too old to adopt and love. At least, it feels like that. I’m in a much better place mentally and emotionally to love in a way that is healthy and well, but…now, there is no one left to consider. Yes, I could try dating apps and such, but the majority of people there are trying to find wives to take care of their kids and sex. Which…is fine, but…. I’ve no intention of ever marrying again. My kids are adults and I don’t want to take care of any more, my own or someone else’s. Sex is fine, but I need so much more than that to build a relationship since I am an asexual demisexual. I want to invest in the person, get to know them, be what they need and have them do the same with me. I’m not looking for a quid pro quo relationship, nor am I’m looking to fill a position like a job. I’m looking for an honest and real connection, and dating apps just don’t provide that. I’ve tried.

I started this year with the intention of putting myself out there and open to a relationship. With covid lasting forever due to idiots, I don’t know if that is even probable. But I will try, as that’s all I can do, besides give up and resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life. The latter seems much easier, to be honest.

At any rate, happy valentine’s day to everyone. I hope your year is filled with the love you want and deserve.

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