Sister Situation

My sister started following Roger’s Instagram.

This sounds like a total non-event. Like, family members should support your endeavors, even the silly ones that have no impact. So it should seem perfectly normal that a family member is following my ridiculously handsome cat’s Insta.

Except, my family isn’t “normal”. Far from it.

I know that I’ve talked to some degree my issues with my mom. I forget how much detail I’ve gone into regarding that situation, but it has had a great deal of impact on my life.

My mom hasn’t willingly reached out to me since 2016. When we parted ways, I told her to not contact me till she had gotten some real, concrete professional help for her ways of thinking because they were destructive and harmful to creating meaningful, honest relationships. Every June, im’ once against reminded that another year has passed that my mom has decided the problem is me and that it isn’t up to her to make the repairs to the relationship. Basically, her love has limits, and if I’m not willing to come groveling and apologize to her for what she believes I have wronged, without making her actually admit her own wrongs, I am not deserving of love. It sucks, but that is the reality. My mom doesn’t love me unless I’m willing to play by her terms, even though her terms are harmful and hurtful to me. She’s okay with that as long as she gets what she wants: complete rights to remain unaccountable for her behaviors.

Obviously, that isn’t going to happen. It makes me sad to know that she holds that more dear to her than her own daughter. I love her. I always will. I just wish she’d pick better behaviors that would lead, not just to our ability to love one another again, but actually be happier in her own life. But that’s how narcissists are. They are perfect. it’s everyone else who is the problem and they need to change in the ways she wants so she can find her comfort with them.

My sister is another story. She lives with my mom. She willingly does everything my mom asks, at least until she has a better potential opportunity, such as a new husband with money, so that she can use my mom for her money, housing, food and anything else she wants. My mom and sister have a weird parasitic relationship that they both equally bitch about, but willfully sustain. It is toxic, and honestly, kind of gross to see from the outside. A symbiotic relationship is not usually beneficial.

When my mom moved out, I blocked her and my sister from all social media they knew about. I wanted to go as no contact as possible. Eventually, I changed my only phone number. I don’t think they know any of my email addresses, so that isn’t an option either. Once I left my union job, that was the end of any chance for her to reach out to me directly. However, she has my niece, my kids, my cousin, my aunt, all of them have direct access to me and can pass along messages. The only thing I know for certain is that my cousin has promised to let me know when something life changing (or ending) happens. I doubt I will be informed and that’s okay. I expect nothing from my mom. She actually owes me about $1,800 that she refuses to pay me back and I’m resigned to let that go because in the end $1,800 is meaningless when it comes to family. But just be aware, she committed grand theft auto and tax theft, so…She’s not an innocent person. She did these things fully aware of what she was doing. I could have pressed charges. I didn’t because again, it’s the principle of the thing. I want her to admit wrong doing and make it up than force a resolution.

I will never see this. She will never do this. Even now, she asks the kids to not tell me she is currently living in Mississippi, or tell me anything. It’s silly and stupid, but that’s my mom. If she can’t get someone to submit, she lives in paranoia that someone is secretly plotting against her, because honestly, that’s what she would do, as proven by the actions she took to steal from me.

So my sister following Roger’s Insta reduces the degree of separation I’ve had to my mom. I don’t know if she is aware that Roger’s Insta is operated by me or not. I don’t feel like asking. I’ve debated removing her and blocking her, but honestly, so far, nothing has come from it, so, she stays.

Now, let me say that my sister is 6 years older than me and my only sibling. She spent most of my childhood trying to avoid me. Of course, that could be because my mom used to make her take me everywhere on dates to prevent her from sneaking off with guys, so I don’t really hold that against her. I’d be pretty bitter too.

When I was younger, I heard constantly how my sister always talked about me. I was told by nearly everyone how much my sister loves me, is proud of me, and never speaks badly about me. At times, it made me feel bad because I certainly have passed a lot of judgement about her and her life choices, but, in the end, she lives her life how she wants, and my judgement is meaningless. there is a certain sense of “wow! She actually had only good and proud thoughts of me! Me, someone who was not very spectacular as a child.” That does make me feel pretty…special. At least I was special to someone in my family at some point.

There were times my sister would come to me when I was an adult and ask me adult questions, like…What do you do when your husband asks you to be more dominate in the bedroom (that was an awkward question, not just because she asked, but because it put me in the position to have to admit, I know a lot more about D/s type relationships than I was really comfortable discussing with a family member), or, what would you do when you discover your husband owes $60K in unpaid taxes (My answer was, leave and file for divorce). I have to say, I never knew what to expect when she said she needed to ask me something. A part of me was very flattered that I was one of her go tos, but the other part was often massively uncomfortable. Now, I would answer her as honestly as possible because that is what you should do when someone asks you a question. I would also make notes of things to ask future partners to avoid these situations.

So, to be fair, my history with my sister hasn’t been horrible. I think for the most part, it was similar to every other sibling relationship. The change seemed to happen when I moved to VA and my sister was living at home with my mom, having lost her home and her daughter. I don’t know what happened at that time because I was in VA trying to survive on my own, alone, in a state I had no friends, no family, a job and two kids. I was somewhat insular because I had no one.

My mom was never one to reach out. If you needed to talk to her, it was on you. My sister was exactly the same way, unless she needed something. So when my sister followed my kitten on Insta, it is so out of character for my family.

I remain cautious about this event. I’m hoping it comes to nothing. I mean…what can my sister do with just cat pictures? Even adorable cat pictures? I don’t worry about it getting back to my mom, but I do worry about a closeness that hasn’t been desired since 2016, possibly sooner. I hope for the best, but I am aware my family tends to prefer pain and hurt over positive behaviors and act accordingly.