As I’ve said before, my daughter and I have been on rather terse terms since shortly after lockdown.
She made several statements about me being abusive, how she felt she hadn’t been enough because I has a boyfriend, and other statements of pain. I don’t discredit her feelings or pain at all. They are hers and if she feels them, they are valid to her. All I could really do in response is distance myself from her and wait for her to decide when she wants to talk with me. I did ask her at the beginning of the year what kind of relationship soos she want to have with me so that I could better understand and provide that. She thanked me, said she was touched I asked, and would think about it and get back to me with an answer.
There’s been no answer, so I assume she doesn’t fully know either. That’s okay too.
Last month, she left and something in me suddenly went off and said she wasn’t making a “normal” trip. Mostly because she left at 4:30 in the morning, but, to be honest, I have a kid coming or going at all hours of the day, so it wasn’t super unusual.
That afternoon, I checked her bank account. I swear I don’t spy on my kids. They are adults and are free to do as they please as long as it doesn’t negatively impact me. But I was worried and thought maybe that would give me a clue. As it was, it did.
I surmised, and was later confirmed, she had gone to visit my mom, who I guess moved from Little Rock to Ripley, MS. She was going to visit and help them finish moving. Then going to Virginia Beach the week afterwards.
So it was a surprise that she came back after 3 days. It was even more shocking that she started talking to me on a personal level instead of just cursory when needed. I have prpceeedewith caution under the assumption that she stil prefers to keep a wide distance.
Now, a bit of history with my mom:
Basically my mom is a narcissist who usues drama and misinformation to get people in the family to fight with one another. She created a distance between those she could manipulate from those who cpuld manipulate them away from her. She uses guilt, anger and various other tactics to get those she feels will be her targets to follow what she wants them to do. I hadn’t been aware of this until I hadn’t been around her for almost 8 years, then had her move in with me, only to have her start chaos and attempt to isolate me from those I cared about. After two months of that insanity, I called her out on her behavior, she got upset and offended that I told her that we talk to each other in this house about our issues, we don’t try to make people take sides, and we say what we want or need openly, not in passive aggressive tones. That if she wasnt willing to participate, then she was going to have to resolve her prpblems on her own, where they originated from. She moved out a month later.
When she left, I told her to not contact me until she had seen a professional for help with her mental health and was ready to have a respectful and honest relationship with me. That was 6 years ago last month. She has not spoken to me at all.
My son informed me a while back that he had had a conversation with my daughter where she had sided with the awful things my mom had said about me. That’s fine. I’ve never cared much about what others think of me, including my family. I was a bit surprised given that she had lived here during the time my mom was here and was in agreement her behavior was intolerable, but time and distance can cause reflection. Or maybe her own personally discovered feelings made her decide that perhaps my mother had been correct. Either way, she was free to change her mind.
So I have to wonder what happened during those 3 days that caused her to leave early, and her behavior towards me change noticeably. I haven’t asked because I feel it is up to her to open up that conversation, not me. I feel that any attempt I make may be viewed in a dark light.
I’m not complaining. Just…confused.