Who do I think I am

This post has been long in the making. I have thought about it a lot since I started this blog. Who am I? What are my core beliefs? If I had to summarize who I think I am and what represents me, what would I say? It’s easy, but tough, because we are complex beings, for the most part. We aren’t black or white, but a myriad of colors that reach across a spectrum.

Today I joined a “dating” group for pagans and witches in my state. It reminded me once more that I need to look at making a dating profile. I don’t like the idea of selling myself, only focusing on the positives, especially when I know my negatives, and not being truthfully authentic. It feels like false advertising. Also, I’m aware that how I see myself is not necessarily how others see me. I have the seat of omnipotence when it comes to knowing myself. Others get the versions I let them see, whether consciously or not. I try to be myself regardless because when I’m not, I return to my center every time anyways.

I was born and raised in Southern California. I lived 20 minutes from Disneyland and an hour from the beach. I grew up in the same house from 1974 to 1996. I was often alone, had few friends, was a quiet child who spent their time building jigsaw puzzles, drawing, reading and writing. My life growing up was fairly lonely and to be quite honest, depressing. I don’t miss my childhood, I never want to relive it and I’m glad it is several decades behind me.

As an adult, I was plagued with mental health issues that I had no idea were mental health issues till I was in my early 40’s. Needless to say, they did not help me at all in life, making me a meek person, unwilling to stand up for myself for fear of upsetting others and being ostracized or rejected. I am also beyond that person, but it was a part of me that makes me who I am today.

I was married from 1996 to 2015, but only with my ex husband for about 4 of those years due to boot camp and training, his being on the night crew, war time deployments and a separation in 2007. I have two children who are now adults making their ways into the world.

I am opinionated, politically progressive to the point of wanting to see capitalism and money completely abolished. If I were able to form the perfect world, we wouldn’t have to work 40+ hours a week to live in a house, eat, etc. We would be able to live free and in the ways we want. Most people see these as negatives, so I’m willing to admit that, but I just don’t believe we are here to waste our lives working for someone else so they can profit. We are here to learn, experience and explore and our current world is making that harder and harder, at least in the US. I want people to be able to eat, have shelter, have their basic needs fulfilled so they can move on to be better people and thrive without fear of how they are going to survive. I feel Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a vital part of life and living one that is fulfilled. The US needs to do more, do and be better, and quit catering to those who don’t need over those that do. The US has lost all compassion and humanity and it is sad and disgusting to live here knowing this.

I am stubborn. I often refuse to ask for help, mostly because I don’t want to make anyone feel required to help me. I will often try to resolve my problems and issues on my own, only seeking help when I have run out of options, ideas or answers. I don’t like to impose myself on others, even if I really need to. I have been independent through circumstances for a very long time, so it takes a while to gain my trust that you will follow through with what you say you will. I am used to asking for help, not getting it when I need it, then ending up having to do things on my own, even when I know I can’t. I am used to relationships being one sided in the other person’s direction, so I need constant reassurance that I’m not alone in the relationship. That I’m not going to be facing things alone, because, if I’m going to be doing that, I have no purpose in being in a relationship. I have managed alone most of my life.

I am aesexual with demisexual patterns. I don’t look for a relationship for sex and sex is usually pretty low on the priority list. I’m looking for a relationship where I can get lost in the conversations and meaingful exchanges. Where I can get to know someone on a deep intellectual and emotional level over physical. I am rarely physically attracted to anyone, so I have never placed much importance on looks, but in how someone takes care of themselves, because that says more to me than looks. Not the vain type of taking care of one’s self, or being obsessive about what they eat, or dress but being aware of their physical needs and acting accordingly.

I have spent the last 10+ years learning to be comfortable with who I am, what I want, what I need and finding myself. I have learned to be able to express those things in meaningful ways as opposed to just being angry or hurt. My last relationship I was often thanked for being open and honest before there was an arguement so that the issue may be resolved. (They weren’t, but that was more because the other person simply was incapable of fulfilling what I needed in the ways that I need and not really their fault due to their own personal situations.) I have learned that I am important in a relationship and that a relationship isn’t just one person constantly compromising their happiness as to not upset the “balance”.

I am looking for someone who shares my interest in learning new things, trying new things, being creative, and enjoying the simple things of life. Someone who is willing to work with me, not constantly play devil’s advocate to my ideas, help me resolve issues together, and willing to not make me do things alone. I don’t mind having separate interests, because I think that is normal, but showing support for those interests as well as the ones we share.

I want a person who is willing to share the workload and not wait for me to decide when things will get done. I want someone who will motivate me when I’m wanting to be lazy. I want someone who will help inspire me and help me reach my goals and ideas, or, be honest with me when I’m being unrealistic and help us come to a mutual idea that can be done.

I want someone who is happy and willing to support me, and not expecting me to be the sole supporter, emotionally, financially or physically. I put in what I expect to receive, in that, these things I’ve listed, I do in a relationship. I want to work with someone helping them reach their goals while they help me reach mine, and working together on those we share. I want to see the person I’m with happy and successful, while they are the same with me. I want a relationship where it is us against the world, and not two people trying to eek out a life independently from each other, only using each other to survive till the next trial.

I want to experience a “normal”, “healthy” relationship. I know they don’t truly exist, but I’m sure what I’m considering normal and healthy really does exist and shouldn’t have to be asked for.

I am into far too many things. I do far too many things. Sew costumes, wrap wire, make glassworks, craft, paint, anything creative and I’m there and willing to try it at least once. I’m working to get past my need for instant perfection and learning that it takes a while to get good at something. That no failed project is truly failed, it just needs to be reimagined. I delight in learning new things, reading things that broaden my knowledge, and makes me think. I love reading articles that I think the person I’m with will enjoy and sharing them to discuss. I dislike most movies, no horror or thrillers due to my nightmare situation growing up. I tend to love cartoons, sweet love stories and anything that leaves me feeling positive about life.

My 5 year goal is to have a small working farm where I can live fairly independently with whomever wants to join me in that adventure. I am taking my time now to learn the ins and outs of vegetable gardening, canning, building good compost and enjoying the process as much as living in the mountains of northern VA allow me to. Animals have always been a part of my life, and while I have no experience with sheep and cows, I would love to have a few and enjoy that experience.

If I had to pick a place to live on earth, I would instantly chose the island of Islay as my home. If that weren’t possible, I would pick the Snohomish Valley in Washington state. These two places are my soul homes where I have felt complete and fulfilled.

In the end, I am a person who wants to be treated as someone worth another’s love, attention and thoughtfulness. To not be a consideration, a decoration or a second thought. I don’t want to be someone else’s everything, but I want to be an important part of someone else’s emotional life. I don’t want to be the sole supporter, because I need someone who is willing to let me be vulnerable and not have to do everything on my own. I want a partner who sees the value of investing in me because I am worth it to them to see another person flourish and thrive, and not for selfish ends. Because they know if they willingly provide my needs, I return that ten fold from love and appreciation.

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