Weekend news

An old coworker of mine sent me a message yesterday. She said she had been thinking of me, and oh, by the way, she lost her eldest son 6 months ago.

I replied to the message with sympathies, but I didn’t extend myself more. The truth is, my heart really hurts for her, but I also know I don’t currently have the spoons to deal with her. any conversation with this person devolves into a bitch session about things that are my past, but her present. While I get that I’m one of the few people in her life that can listen and understand her feelings and thoughts, it really doesn’t help me as it dredges up the past traumatic situation at that job, and that she was, quite frankly, an active part of. Needless to say, my trust in her as a friend has been greatly impacted and while I want to be there for her during this time of loss, I also don’t want to get dragged back into the drama and trauma of that past life. I still have seething anger for the bullies there and listening to their behavior does not help me in the least, especially since I know that the only thing holding this friend there is herself and nothing else.

She is one of those people, much like a current coworker, who makes me think that a person’s happiness is completely self-created. That we are as happy as we allow ourselves to be, and some people, just really don’t want to be fully happy. I don’t understand it, but that seems to be the case with a lot of people. I listen to them talk, and the majority of what they say is negative and not doing anything to foster happiness.

So, I’m working on myself to change my ways of thinking. To instead of focusing on the negative, to remind myself that these things are all temporary and resolvable and the challenges aren’t insurmountable. In my friend’s case, grief is hard. She’s had a hard life since I’ve known her. Her son got into a skiing accident and was disabled. Her daughter was in a car accident that required a year of recovery. Her oldest son was a rebel. Her husband had cancer, twice. All that has been rough, I’m not doubting that at all. I’m not even saying she brought any of that to herself because that is a cruel way to think of things. I am extremely sympathetic to her life. I’m sure it is hard to remain positive when you are experiencing all of that.

I don’t know how I would react if I were her. I’m sure it isn’t well. But I do know how I will react if I talk to her currently. It will set me back and I *really* need to not let something pull be backwards. I have a lot of things that need to be accomplished in a really short amount of time. I’ve got two months to increase in my income, possibly find a new job and start saving for some important things I need to take care of. I need to keep moving forward. It makes me feel selfish and thoughtless to be protective of my energy, but I can’t afford the detour.

One of the things I am doing is finding my core values. I know this is something that I should have done ages ago, but I have never thought it was something needed. I’m also making a list of my non-negotiables, whether it be a relationship, a job, or just even my own decision making. I am still doing my gratitudes, which, I will admit, i don’t do on the weekends and didn’t do today because it is a weird schedule and not the “normal”, but I also intend to continue doing them well past the Magic timeframe. it’s gotten much easier upon having read The Magic and I can appreciate them on a different level. I can also create them without just repeating the same ones over and over again.

So I’m starting the real work. The work I probably should have done decades ago, but was never properly instructed in life how to live an authentic and fulfilling life while knowing yourself and loving yourself. The time it took me to get here is a bit disappointing, but not as much as how much farther along I could be now had I done the work before. I mean, I’m aware that a lot of this stuff I’m doing now wasn’t even a thought back when I was in my early 20’s when i could have really used it. I have to remember that anxiety and the official awareness of it didn’t happen till around 2011. So a lot of the work is new to me because it has been fairly new. So I’m going to put that regret behind me because I can only work with what I know and if I don’t know, I don’t know, and move forward to create a better life. If nothing else, I will have a much better understanding of who I am, how I work and what is best for me, which is a far better position than I have been in pretty much ever.

I hope my friend finds comfort and healing. I wish I could be the one to help, but I already know the outcome of that. I need to focus on myself. I have compassion and sympathy, but I also have boundaries that I am setting up and I need to respect myself before I can respect and help others.