Invasive thinking

Ever worked at a job that made you question your competency? Not the people you work with creating that mindset, but the way your work is evaluated?

Currently, my work goes through a review, which I totally get. I’m new, they don’t know me, it’s a security thing to make sure they don’t lose money. I’d want a review done as well in that case. 

This week has been a high anxiety week for me as I’ve questioned my brain and just how well is it working these days. My attention to details feels like it has slipped way down the hill and I’m feeling pretty inadequate. 

Now, I’ve gotten confirmation from a few fronts that they are happy with me here, so that helps, but it doesn’t change the fact that one of the long term employees seems to not be aware that her actions directly affect other people. That isn’t as bad as the fact that the manager she chooses to express her frustrations of other employees doesn’t question her behavior, but accepts it as fact. This bothers me more that the former issue. I can excuse the behavior of someone who has never had to worry about her financial security being ripped out from under her due to the actions of another, something she had no control over, but a manager should know better.

Before I finally got into the office here, I took something my daughter had said to heart.  She said that I always have to have an enemy at work. She claims I pick a person and decide to dislike them due to some infraction. I try to not be this way, but since it was an observation that had some truth to it, I felt it was work preparing against. To work on this, I took an EQ in the workplace workshop. I figured I would at least give myself the tools to work through any potential issues.

It did help with my interpersonal issues. I was able to break it down and make reasonable assumptions based on information that was confirmed, so that was good. I remain calm, collected and not upset at my coworkers, but it did do collateral damage to my confidence and mental capacities.

I’m working on all that. I am improving. There has been some improvement. A lot of it feels like 5 steps ahead, then 10 steps back, but I also try to put things into perspective and make myself aware that there has been some time between my submissions and the reviews and the fact that I’ve only been at this job for 15 days total. That has helped too, but it doesn’t stop the invasive thought:

Am I reaching that age where I might be too old for office structure and riggers? 

It may very well be time to buckle down and make some realizations.

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