Trying to Heal

I wanted to write a second post on yesterday’s post regarding bullies. I hate writing negative posts and really try to find a positive light at the end, but sometimes, there is just no light at the end of a tunnel. There is no open end of some tunnels.

In the case of the second person in the post, there was no end, no closure where I felt I had been heard, understood, or even considered. There was no closure. I’m aware that is a large part of why I hold onto that anger. I t has nowhere to disperse to, other than the occasional writing I do about it. That anger has no place to discharge, so it just lays dormant till something comes along to bring it back up again. It is a part of me that I dislike, that I work on, and that I try to remind myself that not every situation will result in a closure that is sufficient for me to move on from. No matter how egregious, how long that went, how unfounded it all was, at some point in time, I’m going to have to let it go.

I do try to tell myself that this person is no longer relevant in my life, and that is true. She plays no part in my current life, for which I am very glad. I try to go through the whole processing of how I wasn’t the problem, she will never acknowledge what a shitty person she is, and I will never see the end results of all of that. But for some reason, I still can’t get beyond that and it still rears its ugly head.

I don’t know if it was a sheer injustice of it, the fact that she was not just allowed to bully me openly, but enabled to do so by the vice president of the union and others, or what has set off my need to hold onto this anger. It certainly isn’t helpful. It provides no benefit to me, other than to have a place to store my rage, which really, no one truly needs.

In the past, when these memories pop up, I have tended to send links to apps and articles on how to be a better person to her work email address. I don’t know if they end up in her spam filter, or if she reads them, but I have felt it was a good way to try to make some positive impact on something that is definitely a negative. It obviously doesn’t take away the feelings though, or reduce them because they come back just as strong as before.

So there has to be a better way to let go of these things that serve no good purpose, besides waiting for her to die a horrible gruesome death, though, if that happened sooner than later, that would be okay too. (I’d like to say I’m kidding, but I’m aware I’m not. I’m also aware that doesn’t make me a good person, aside from the fact I will never act negatively on my emotions to see that take place.)

Since I can’t rectify this situation and have not been able to find the way to resolve this from my life as of yet, though I still try, I try to find some way to put some positive back into the world, whether that be recognizing my personal impact on others, to being there for others who are being impacted by the negative behaviors of unaware people. I listen with an open mind when someone tells me I said or did something that negatively impacted them and I accept that without question. I make sure that I apologize, recognize my mistake, work to make sure I don’t just not do that to them again, but to anyone. Those are my obligations and expectations. Those are the things I would want done when I express a similar hurt.

So while I can sit here in my rage, hurt and anger, I can make changes that create a more positive environment. It’s not going to fix my personal situation, but it will prevent me from inadvertently transmitting it to others who don’t deserve it. It also allows me to be compassionate, empathetic and help others possibly heal.

I hope eventually my own emotions will subside, but until then, I intent to remove the toxic, abusive behaviors I experienced from others. It just feels like the right thing to do.