I have an arrhythmia. It is relatively harmless, in that when it comes, I know why, and it isn’t going to cause a stroke or a heart attack. But, it is going to exhaust the hell out of me and give me migraines for days, as well as making sleeping difficult, which adds to the length of its stay.
The “batsignal” for my arrhythmia is stress, anxiety and mental health. When I become imbalanced, let something affect me far more than I should, or allow it to set off my CPTSD and anxiety, it’s my friendly reminder, I need to put down whatever has me so emotionally elevated and walk away. Doesn’t matter how much it means to me, and usually, the more it means to me, the more I’m going to have reactions, so letting go and leaving it behind is not easy.
Because of the weird balance of my brain chemicals and my body chemicals, when I get stressed or over anxious, I don’t eat, or I eat horribly, even if I have done everything I can do to make sure I’m at least eating two healthy and significant meals a day. Believe me, that is an accomplishment for me. There have been full days I have gone without eating anything significant. The not eating also affects my heart, and my ability to work through my emotional problems. So eating is important. Oddly enough, hydrating is super easy for me, which I’m glad for because at least during these moments, I’m not completely failing to survive as an organisms.
If I don’t keep this precarious balance up, it is fragile qnd can free fall into extremes where I end up having to rest and focus only on making sure that my health is the most important priority.
That was last night, into today. I was lucid all night due to my heart beating hard, fast and heavy. Like, pounding in my ears constantly. Today, I’m physically worn out, but the heart is still acting like I’m physically exerting myself. My shoulders are up to my ears and I have to remember to relax them, where I feel them fall a significant distance from my cheeks.
I got home from work and decided to warm myself up, recline and relax in bed, keep good check on my heart rate, and simply forget everything from this week. To detach myself from all the things that have put me here this week. It’s been an emotional week for various reasons. I have had a pretty great loss, a lot of rage, a lot of disgust and defeat. On top of that, there has been the depression edging closer and closer. These things only delay it a bit, but it also makes me realize I’m alive, I have things that I have passion about and find worth living for, so that’s always a good thing.
I took some time yesterday cutting myself off from the things that have caused this current arrhythmia. Today was the first full day where those things weren’t present. It hasn’t sunk in quite yet that there has been a bridge crossed, and while not burned down, I was pretty handy with an ax. Don’t get me wrong. I have no regrets about this. My heart is telling me that I have to let go. If I don’t walk away from that bridge, the balance will be much harder to bring back and take much longer.
My body creates a weird tightrope that I traverse in this world. It forces me to remain centered, least I slip and fall because the rope is small and tight.
Tonight, I’m going to finish off the evening sipping some peach and chamomile tea, ignore social media, and sleep sitting up. Lol! I’ll wake up tomorrow, that I know. Hopefully my heart will have decided it’s done with its protesting and allow me to do the work need to do to get back to center.
Please take care of yourself, all of yourself.