Details of no consequence

I recently turned 50. For some reason, my brain thinks this is a big deal. Maybe it’s because I never anticipated living past 32 when I was younger. Either way, my brain seems to think that I have passed into “being old”, which is ironic, since, it also wants to believe I’m still close to my early 20’s.

I was married, for about 10 years, to a Marine. I would have been married a lot less had he actually been someone who followed through with plans and ideas. I have two children who are now adults. Sadly, one got cursed with the mental illnesses that run through both family lines. The other is trying to find their way. I love my kids, but if I knew then what I know now about mental health, I am not sure that I would have had children.

I’ve had a couple of relationships since parting ways with my ex husband, but I have come to the conclusion that even though I am lonely and would love a healthy and “normal” relationship, I will probably die alone. This makes me sad in many ways, to be truthful. However, I have come to the conclusion that I am either difficult to love, or those who I attract have no interest in actually taking the time to invest themselves in a deep and meaningful relationship where both people help and support each other, and not one person carrying the weight of two.

I’m a strong, independent woman, which is good since the men in my life have been codependent people with no concept that if you take, you have to also give back. That you have to meet the person you say you love at least half way, or don’t bother taking the trip. I don’t know why this concept is difficult to grasp, but my experience so far is that it’s asking too much, so I don’t ask anymore.

I know a lot of this sounds like me being a bitter old woman. I can accept that. It doesn’t hurt my feelings. What does hurt my feelings is people who pretend to be invested in me, only to discover they were just there for a free ride.

I do still put myself out there from time to time. I still make attempts. I’m often reminded of the scene in “Sleepless in Seattle” where they are discussing love and one of them says, “it’s impossible to find love after the age of 40.” It may not be true, but Rosie’s character, Becky, is right when she says, “It just feels true.”

For now, I’ll start here and maybe discover what it is about me that makes it hard for me to find my missing piece. And leave with another of my favorite quotes from the movie:

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