Today was an odd day.
Aside from finally agreeing with my brain that we are depressed, I had good news that lifted the day and made it a bit brighter. Then, Facebook decided to ban me for 24 hours because I called someone a potato. 🤷♀️ I guess today is what you call a mixed bag of goods.
*looks around for a khajit*
Way back when, I used to blog. One of my very first honest forays into the internet was a blog site called Xanga. I was there for years, really, talking to people, making friends, and enemies, as well as finding a beautiful outlet for me to dump my brain waste somewhere of no consequence. Perhaps it made me slightly narcissistic, but I find there is a certain amount of joy, relief, self accountability, as well as being able put nagging thoughts to bed and forget about them, if I desired.
Back then, I was unaware that I had chronic PTSD and anxiety. I thought everyone had just learned to stiffle and suffocate the “evil brain syndrome” much better than I had. I’m not sure that knowing these things would have made any difference, to be honest. I think there was some great benefits in getting things out in a blog where I could choose to forget or revisit these errant thoughts. Where I could reflect and have introspective moments to see where my brain was on any given moment of any day. My blogging was often prolific and generous, nearly close to Bob Dylan levels of creation. It wasn’t that I felt anything I had to say was important, but I appreciated the outlet so my brain didn’t beat me senseless with needless things and gave it the gesture of satifying a need it had.
My intentions with this blog is to replicate some of that old blogging self. Facebook is a really crappy way to express one’s self really. It doesn’t promote thought or thinking in the way a good stream of consciousness blog post can. While I am also prolific on Facebook, it seems empty and needless most times. While I don’t mind time wasters, I’m rather at a point where I find I need that narcissistic exercise of just writing about me, my thoughts, my feelings, my journey without memes, politics, assholes, and all the negative things social media seems to have become.
So my hope is to post at least once a day. I have found myself in my personal life at a moment in time where I have no direction and yet, all directions all at once. Where very little is tying me down, yet the lack of those ties creates a weird binding. I’m also on a spiritual journey of a sorts, finding my place in my own spirit and seeing where that may lead as well. As well as just notating the daily thoughts and feelings that trespass in my mind during the day. I will make every attempt to post at least every evening before I go to bed and check in on what happened and all those errant thoughts that make me, well…me.
For today, I will end on the things that made me smile:
- Unexpected surprises that change the very light of the rising sun.
- A mediocre livelihood that is actually enjoyable and makes you feel appreciated
- Realizing that even though you have depression, you can still create some excitement for tomorrow and a purpose to keep trying
- A warm, soft bed that never seems to be upset at being used for support
- New ideas and adventures
I look forward to seeing what tomorrow brings!