I am far better

Yesterday, I talked to my coworker, whom I used to work with at the union. As expected, it was a conversation mostly dominated by the horrible people who were and are still there. I hate regurgitation these things, but yesterday, something interesting happened…

As we were talking about the old VP, I simply said, “He’s a horrible person. I hope his health causes him to die a slow and agonizing death. The way he treated other people under him and the lives he hurt by his greed is unconscionable and unforgivable. He deserves no good passing.” And I meant it. The man deserves to suffer for as long as humanly possible. He is a horrible person. A true monster.

There was a great sense of joy in hearing that his second wife divorced him immediately after he stepped down. That was actually a relief. The way he openly made fun of her adopted children’s names because they were from Korea and had Korean names was disgusting. Especially considering that the one he made the most fun of has mental disabilities that causes him to be a bit slower at picking up things than others. Horrible! The other was a young girl under the age of 10 who he constantly tormented about the death of her pets, people she cared about, etc. He was truly a disgusting person to those children. I honestly hope she took him for everything he was worth. She deserved far better than that sack of shit.

My coworker also lamented about how the VP had ruined a good friendship of the old President, who was a kind and genuinely caring person. I explained, “The asshole is a narcissist, and as long as he could keep the President out of the office, the better he could manipulate others for his own gains. I honestly don’t know why he thought he would be able to do embezzle more as the President, but it seems that the sexual harassment charges of his embezzle buddy brought too much light to him, so he had to step down before getting caught that he was stealing from the union. Good riddance to bad rubbish!”

But it is hard. That asshole made a great person withdraw and remove himself from friends and relationships. He made a person who had all good intentions doubt himself and those around him. again, completely inexcusable as a human being.

The damage and carnage he left behind him is large, painful, and he deserves to experience that with every last dying breath.

That wasn’t the thing that happened, but I felt far more secure in my self-assurance that that man is not worth the blood that courses through his veins and the biggest gift he can give us is no longer existing.

The thing that happened was when we started talking about our biggest bully. My first remark was, “What the hell is wrong with her?! Her husband passed away, and her “public quote” is “I lost my baby daddy!”? That’s what she wants him to be remembered as?! Her baby daddy? Not as a kind, generous, loving man who worked hard in his community fighting for the people in it? Not his great accomplishments, admirable qualities, and humanity? She chose to mark his legend as her baby daddy? How gross can a human be? How disgustingly uncaring can one be?”

She agreed and said that the bully had just come out of rehab, again, for excessive drinking. I just scoffed. I said, ” You know, if she just came to realize that all her life’s problems stem from her and only she can change that, maybe she wouldn’t be having such a horrible life that she needs to escape from it.”

Now, for the record, I know alcoholism is a thing and it is hard to kick, but I also know that she is the #1 source of all her life’s issues. Always has been. Always will be. She has had zero growth in the years I have had the misfortune to know her. In many ways, she has regressed.

It was in this realization that she wants her life to be so important, so institutional, so respected, she is not someone worth any of that because she does nothing genuine to procure that. That I am a far better person than her on a bad day without even trying. I realized that today, if I had to work with her, I’d not be the way I was. I’d not be meek. I’d not cower. I’d just look at her and say something to the effect of, “How about you improve your own self before you attempt to dictate how others relate to you?”

I suddenly realized that I have done a lot of healing since 2016. That confrontation still does affect me, but I have learned who matters and who doesn’t. She doesn’t matter. She isn’t important to my life. I don’t need to go into panic or anxiety when she lashes out. All I can see is a poor human who has zero worth or value and won’t find it because they would rather be the way they are than do the actual work.

I rarely compare myself to others. I rarely consider myself “better” than anyone else. I am just a person who is doing the things I need to to make sure my life is what I want it to be. But in the case of these two people, I am absolutely better than they are and I don’t need to feel bad for thinking so. The fact that I actually held some sort of regard for these two chucklefucks makes me laugh now. To think that I would ever have any sort of feelings of being less than to these two is almost embarrassing at this point.

It was then that I realized, I will never be angry again about these two wastes of space. I would never again give them the consideration of thought in my head like I used to. Horrible people don’t deserve space or emotion. And while I am expressing horrible things about these two, I already know I did the personal work to empathize and put myself in their shoes and honestly, their shoes pinch and hurt because they are unable to change. I don’t need to do anything more than accept the reality that they have created and that they either enjoy, find contentment or are happy being shitty people. So, by agreeing with them, and acknowledging their views, I have no guilt saying they are some of the worst people on the planet and not feel guilt for it. Paul and Candace are terrible people, like being terrible people and have no problem with the world knowing this fact. I’m just now agreeing with them.

I have healed. Not long ago, this whole thing would have made me sullen, angry and feeling impotent. Yesterday, I realized, those were all useless emotions, created from the hope and idea that inside, they are good people who deserve some kind of regard. They aren’t. They never have been. They never will be. They made that choice and have been okay with it. Now I am too and I don’t have to care about them either.

With that knowledge, I emailed the new president, who I had good relations with, congratulated him on his new position and asked if he was in need of a membership coordinator? That I was very keen on getting back into union work as I see the great need for them in the working environment and would love to get back to helping that cause.

I expect no answer, but, you never know. We’ll see! If nothing else, I feel good and have come away with being able to leave some baggage behind me.