Admission

I am going to admit something:

I have been disingenuous.

I have said I want a relationship because I am lonely.

That is actually true, but that isn’t the only reason I want a relationship.

I want a relationship so that I’m not alone trying to handle these things that I am going through alone.

I want a relationship for help financially.

I want a relationship so that I have someone else to be in the thick of things with me.

And those are not good reasons to want a relationship. Those are really awful reasons to want a relationship, not just for the other person, but for my own internal feelings. I don’t want to use someone, just as much as I don’t want to be used. I would not be able to reconcile with myself the idea that I might have gotten into a relationship simply because of my own selfishness.

I have removed myself from “the market”. I have distanced myself. The problem is, I am truly lonely. I want someone special. I want to feel special and treat someone special and drown in the love that comes with a relationship. That won’t fix my problems, but at least I would feel less unhappy about my life in general. It’d be one less thing.

But I don’t see where this financial situation is ever going to let up. And if that is the case, that means I am going to be alone for a really long time. To me…that is heartbreaking. That isn’t what I want, but in some cases, things are beyond my control. I am working to take some of the control back, but I also know those things are going to take time and effort. And i plan to spend my time focusing on that, which is why I have pulled back. I can’t knowingly pull someone into the ambiguity of my life and the potential lack of time I can spend while I try to do things that help me pull myself out of where I am. Those are things for established relationships that can withstand these conditions, not one just starting out.

Just like I realize I am not obligated to give someone the best of me all the time, I also don’t want to give someone the worst of me either. I like middle grounds, and that is where I want to meet someone. If I’m stuck in recovery mode, there is very little middle ground to provide.

I openly admit this part of me because I feel it is part of what is holding me back. it is a crutch that I have been using to make excuses for a number of things. When you remove the crutches, you need to learn to walk with more stability. So I made admission, accept that it was a part of me, and move forward. I can let that frustration go and not make it a part of what is holding me back and make myself better for that moment when I can give more middle ground and seek something less needy. That is part of the process, after all.