A Moment of Grump

An old boss of mine who knew that I was a writer once said to me:

“If my wife wrote a book, I wouldn’t waste any time reading it. I would want to read everything she wrote.”

This was in response to when i told him that my ex-husband had no interest in reading anything I had ever written till he could potentially use it against me. That and how he discovered my most recent writings at the time were pornographic.

But that single thing my boss said has stuck with me since he said it.

I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone who was so invested in me that they were wanting to read everything I have ever written. And this was said by a man who really wasn’t in love with his wife anymore, but still wanted to be invested in her. That he was not just willing but would be excited to be that supportive of someone whom he had grown apart from over the years. He also said that he didn’t feel that it was right to say negative things about his wife to others because he had chosen to marry her and to do such an activity would be disrespectful to her and bring her shame.

Seriously, people wonder why I was so loyal to that boss. I have yet to meet another man who shares these ideas and beliefs, let alone act on them. He, so far, has been the only one. I can’t even find a guy who is willing to even think beyond his own mind and eyes to consider someone else except in relation to themselves. (When guys constantly say “not all men”, I can assure you, this particular thing is 95% of men, which is really super depressing to know that men couldn’t care less about their partners outside of themselves, let alone be interested in their partners’ pursuits.)

So, look, I know that I am looking for partners in the wrong ways. I’m not using dating sites because, honestly, they are some of the most useless things one can do when looking for a partner. I am using a system that I already know from years of experience that it is nearly impossible to find someone who is interested in anything more than sex and that’s 100% on me. I need to get out and do more. Get my ass offline. My problem is, the things I’m interested in tend to not involve men. They are girly women things and not something the majority of guys I would be interested in and attracted to would be into. So, I’m already at a limitation in the real world. That’s on me to either change or accept. But honestly, men really need to give me a reason to believe it is worth trying. If I can say nothing else, doing things the way I have been doing them has let me know pretty damn fast what the true intention and desire is, and I can guarantee those have nothing to do with me and everything to do with just needing a warm body. So, maybe it’s confirmation bias, but so far, men seem to be more interested in where to insert their peg than where to invest their minds and emotions.

But I’m tired of bashing on men. They don’t feel they are at all responsible for the “treatment” they get and I hear more often than not that women just need to deal with it and move on, so, that’s what I’m trying to do. The only unfortunate thing about this situation is that I’m attracted to men, not women, so, I either have the choice to stay alone, which I’ve been doing and find it absolutely sucks, or, to quit putting importance on my needs because obviously, they are unreasonable and men have no interest in having a mutually agreeable relationship. This is what I’m being told time and time again by men, so the issue must be me. My standards and expectations are too high, my needs aren’t realistic, I’m expecting an emotional attachment when no one else does, etc. The list of how I’m in the wrong is long and extensive.

Honestly, I don’t believe any of that. My standards are about the same as my expectations and needs:

Treat me like a human being who has feelings, memories, goals, and desires

Be transparent in what you want and need

Show that you are invested in me as a person and not what I can do for you

Behave with respect, integrity, and care

That is literally all you need to do to show me that you are actually interested in me. Nothing else. I don’t think these things are unrealistic or too high. This is literally the bare minimum at being a human being dealing with another human being, at least in my experience. So, to claim these things are too much is really disappointing in humanity as a whole.

There are positives as well. I have learned how to discern intentions of others faster than I used to. I have learned to listen to my instincts when they say something isn’t going to work out. I have also learned a lot more about what it is I want and need from others and what is most important to me. I am learning about the best questions to ask to make sure that the person I am talking with is on the same page or close enough to feel like it would be a good match. These are all great things to have happen on my road to maybe not being alone. It does feel like I’m burning through a ton of people, but honestly, there are a ton of people who simply would never be in the running to begin with and I feel those are the ones who are getting spent like a flash.

It is hard not to be bitter, though. It is hard to find positives when people prefer to show you their ass over their finer features, both literally and figuratively. It’s hard to want to remain open when people constantly are trying to ascertain if you will physically appease them, like you are some cow who needs to be weighed and priced based on the value of the meat they have and not that they are a living creature. All that makes it hard not to feel angry, frustrated, and believe people are shitty, even with my belief that people are inherently good until shit happens.

In this practice of LoA and daily gratitude, I am working to find the positives. This is a situation that I can’t completely control because it relies on someone else as well, so all I can do is effect change in myself, determine with clarity what I need and want and to be open to opportunities that bring all that into consideration. So I’m writing this post to vent the frustration and hurt, because I’m allowed to be frustrated and hurt, and then letting it go to be replaced with things that benefit me more than sitting and skulking in unhappiness.

My someone is out there. I’m certain of that. I’m certain that there are at least 100 someones out there because there are 7 billion people in the world, so the odds are more in my favor than “THE ONE” concept. I will hang onto that and remain hopeful and open. Someone has to want a person like me for who I am and not what I can give them or do for them, and I will find that person.