Emotional Connections

It seems like we are living in a world where everyone wants emotional connections, but no one actually either knows what that means, or they think they know and are very wrong. All they know is that they are lonely and have needs they can’t fulfill within themselves, and they need to find someone outside of themselves to stop the loneliness.

One can not have a true emotional connection when focusing on their own needs. An emotional connection is exactly that; a connection between two people who are mutually feeling safe, secure and unthreatened with each other to be vulnerable, to share intimate ideas, thoughts and feelings, and being fully willing to give these just as much as receiving them. Most don’t understand the investment one needs to make to reach this type of connection. It can take up to 200 hours of conversation to feel like you know someone well enough to call them your friend. An emotional connection is a part of that 200 hours and extends well beyond. It is the foundation of healthy relationships that give as much as they reciprocate.

As a child of CPTSD, healthy relationships are not something I am acquainted with, I had no role models of what a healthy relationship looked like. All emotional connections were flowing away from me and not back to me. I only knew giving and simply accepting the little tokens I received back, thinking that was how love and emotional connections worked. It has taken me a long time to learn that this is not how they work, how they should work, and that I don’t have to accept this type of disregard and neglect.

This is also when I started making changes in who has access to me, who I invest my time and energy into, and who I want to encourage an emotional connection with. I have friends who I have connected with on more than just the peripheral level. I have those friends who I genuinely care about and who genuinely care about me, and I am thankful for them. They make my life feel less lonely and provide me with care and love without strings attached other than to be the person I am and help them be the friends they are, and that has deep meaning to me.

So now that I am actively looking for a love relationship, I am looking for someone who checks those boxes first before everything else. That desire to have an emotional connection with me has to be present, if not from the start, but at least grow and become the focus. That is what I give up front. That is what I try to reach first. That emotional connection. Being a demisexual, that connection is imperative. That is how I determine if you will be someone I can move forward with or not. If I don’t see the same investment or close to the same investment, I stop trying.

It is amazing how many men don’t even try to get there. How many aren’t willing to invest themselves in a relationship. How many want to keep things solely physical and not be their authentic selves in front of someone who is wanting and willing to see them as they are. Men seem to be so afraid of being hurt. They already have an instant wall that even they don’t know, can’t see, and seem to be completely oblivious to it. And to me, that’s a deal breaker. If you can’t be who you are authentically, if you can’t share your deepest thoughts and feelings, if you can’t show me who you are and trust me to be vulnerable, it is not going to happen.

I don’t expect this to happen immediately. I would be worried if it did. But I do have some expectations. I have the expectation of wanting to be someone they want to talk to. I expect them to talk about more than physical desires and needs. I expect them to tell me things about themselves that test the boundaries of me to see that I am not going to judge (unless judgment is required), that I’m not going to be mean, that I’m not going to be unaccepting (unless, of course, these things aren’t acceptable). That is an important step towards that emotional connection. If I don’t see that testing take place, and I see the communication go down in frequency, I’m more than likely going to move on because it becomes obvious you can’t provide what I need, or you aren’t able to at this time. It isn’t the other person’s fault. It is just where they are at and are unable to move beyond, for whatever reason. I am happy to remain friends with them, but I will move on.

I am getting older. I don’t have the time or energy to waste on people who aren’t able to break down the walls they have created to prevent themselves from risk and/or hurt in sacrifice of a true, deep and fulfilling relationship. A physical connection is nice, but it doesn’t lead to anything emotional. It leads only to more physical. That doesn’t feed my soul. That doesn’t make me want to spend my time with someone. What does is when they show me who they really are. When they let themselves be truly seen. It is one of the reasons I have put so much of who I am out into the universe, even if it is mostly online. It allows me to feel less attachment to those things and allow me the opportunity to heal and repair myself from things that have been done to me in my life that never benefitted me. It also allows me to talk about those things that one perceives as vulnerable and helps with the emotional connection. I don’t have the overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and humiliation that once came with these things, and that allows me to be compassionate, empathetic, and understanding of other people’s hurts and lack of trust. I’ve been there. I know how that all feels. I know how bad hurt can be. My intention isn’t to add to that hurt and lack of trust, but to provide a space where one is safe to talk about them. Only then, when the other person is willing to open up will that emotional connection be formed.

I don’t need someone to help me heal. I need someone who appreciates who I am authentically and wants to join me in that experience. Who wants to provide love and support while allowing me to do the same. Someone who sees me as the complete person I am and finds they truly want that in their life while allowing me to have the same. This is what an emotional connection is. Appreciating, loving, and cherishing another person authentically, providing support to help them reach who they want to be, and sharing mutually in challenges and successes, being present and understanding.

I don’t think many people actually know what they want. I think they don’t know who they are authentically. I think they confuse the need to feel safe with having an emotional connection. I think they feel the physical will suffice and become confused when it doesn’t, or the other partner doesn’t respond. As a demisexual asexual, this emotional connection is the foundation of all my relationships. It is the base of which a relationship will form and develop. If a person cannot interact with me on that level, no relationship can truly form and it becomes disappointing that so many people are stuck and unable to form the intimate relationship of emotional connection because it means I have that much harder of an objective to find someone.

Hopefully, someone will have taken the time to invest in themselves to learn how to trust others, how to process hurt, and how to form healthy relationships despite their setbacks. I keep hope, even though 90% of the men I end up meeting never want to actually do the work on themselves to get where they need to be to have fulfilling relationships. And that is what I find sad. They don’t value themselves enough to invest into their own wellbeing to be better people for themselves and others.

What else are we here for if it isn’t to be assured of our intentions and wants and know that we not only have our best interesting in mind, but the interests of others that we come into contact with? Why are so many wasting their lives on these limiting actions?

I wish I knew.