So first off, I promise this isn’t going to become a blog about relationships, but it is something that i am currently evaluating, so it is heavy on my mind. This is a blog to express my mental thoughts and mental process, and that includes interactions with others.
So, me and the potential guy have been talking for a week. I can say that what charm was there is in the wearing off period, and I am now becoming either more critical of things, or I am becoming more realistic. I’m not sure which one, which is why I’m blogging about this. LOL
I hate to list out potential red flags, but I feel if I don’t, I’m going to ignore them and just move on as if they don’t exist, so having a list helps me come back. I hate it because it feels like taking points or making a case why it isn’t good, but at the same time, i feel I am doing myself a disservice by not recognizing them.
Potential Red Flag List:
1) He claims he wants an emotional connection however, he really doesn’t ask much about me, even though I have given him plenty of things to ask about, whether it be crafting, gardening, work, my life in general. It usually comes up when he tells me something about him, or he asks how my day has been, but he never pursues that. I have actually put myself “out there” a lot in various other ways, all accessible to him currently, with the exception of this blog, which, if he asked, he’d have access to as well, because I have nothing to hide. But he has shown really no interest in wanting to even do any work there either, that requires him to do some actions on his own volition. Given that I have spent way too much time with people who have put me way below any priorities other than what they can potentially get from me that they feel is important, but me, as a person, has been the last thing they are interested in, so this particular flag is strongly niggling in my head.
2) When we talk, the pattern is always the same: We greet, he talks about sexual things that he is interested in, then we talk about the small talk of our day, maybe a bit of a more in depth topic, then back to sex. Maybe if I weren’t asexual, that would be “normal,” but for me, it’s boring. I guarantee that I already know a lot more sexually than he does, and I’m not cutting him for that, but it is a rather nonstarter topic for me. Particularly if you are constantly telling me that an emotional connection is more important than a sexual one, but sex is the #1 topic. That is a sure guarantee that this is not going anywhere but in the dumper with me. I’ve already fired a warning shot that he needs to start actually showing signs he wants what he says he wants, but at this point, I’m fairly convinced it’s sexual and it’s really all about his gratification and not really mine, which brings me to,
3) When someone talks to me about sex, that’s fine, I’m open to any topic, really. But when the topic only seems to be discussing their pleasure, their interest, and almost nothing in regards to what they can provide for me, I lose interest. That is a #1 tell that it isn’t me they are looking for and would be better served to use a sex worker till they can get past their neediness and self-centered mindset. Especially when he is well aware of my “please don’t do” items, such as “telling me or talking about what I can do for you”. I truly don’t care what I can do for you. I already know what I can do for you, definitely better than you know what I can do for you. I don’t need to talk about this. Penis owners are easy to please, and I couldn’t care less about pleasing that particular body part. It just screams that this relationship isn’t for me. It’s for them and only them, and I’m just the supplier or the object they can come to for what they feel they should have. This is the biggest reason why I’m heading to a firm no here. I’m tired of hearing about what I can do for him. To the point I will say it the next conversation that goes that way. Probably not very kindly either. I know me all too well.
4) I am initiating every conversation. Now…I’m not gonna lie. It is not an easy thing for me to do. I am not one to do this, so this was more for me to exert some comfortable zones with reaching out. But that also means I’m putting out tests to see what happens. So yesterday, I know he wasn’t busy. I didn’t message him all day till that afternoon. I’m not a stalker, but I do have way to know if he was online, and he was, so he had the opportunity to say hi, even if it was just for a second. He didn’t say anything to me till I had messaged him. It’s possible he did not want to interrupt me, but I made it clear that I was available. At that point, I kind of looked back and realized that I initiated almost all interactions and to me, that shows a lack of real interest outside of being “something to do” and that’s not something I want to be to someone.
5) There is also his issue of distance and wanting a person around for him constantly. He doesn’t come out and say it directly, but I have definitely gotten that indication very clearly. I am not at all in a place where I want someone living with me, nor do I want to move myself just to be closer to someone. Our distance is a comfortable distance for me. I can make weekend plans or not and not feel like I’m missing out because the distance isn’t that far. He, however, has made several comments where he wants to be near as much as possible, and that just isn’t going to work for me. it is the one thing I won’t sacrifice. Period. My home is my personal sacred space, and aside from my kids, I don’t want to share it with someone else.
And of course, now that I’ve written this list, I can feel the doubts, questions, and dislike of the direction. That might be because I’m currently focusing on it all at once, but honestly, it is something I want to do and probably need to do to make sure that I’m headed in the proper direction.
I think I’m going to pass on this relationship for now, remain friends because I do enjoy his company, though i feel like eventually, it will become like the two people I dumped from my life last year and he’ll go the way of them as well, but, a week doesn’t make things absolute, however, the indications are fairly clear.
I think I’ll pick back up on the engineer who has shown a lot of interest. His own fault is that he has asked to speak on the phone, and I absolutely hate the phone and talking on it. LOL I have literally pushed aside the need to contact the insurance company I’ve been paying for dental for over the last 2 years, at least, to find out where I am in the plan timewise, how to get cards sent and access to my account online and that’s actually super important right now. LOL So, yeah..phone calls are daunting for me. But overall, he has taken more interest in me as a person and not focusing on topics that I really don’t have any interest in and currently seems like the better choice overall.
And there it is. LOL The permission I was trying to give myself to move on and not feel bad for feeling the ways I do about things.
Evaluating Feeling
Goddess of Foxes 