I find it both odd and entertaining that my most popular post so far is “Fetish and Misogyny”. I do wonder what people were hoping to find there, or if that taboo topic of fetishes was brazenly put in the title and irresistible,
For some transparency, I write erotica. I have pieces on Amazon for kindle catering to some specific alternative fetishes. I am neither ashamed nor proud of this. It is just a thing I do. I write porn.
When I first started writing fetish erotica, I had an FB page under my pen name. On that page, people were able to directly message me, and on most days, I responded.
Let me just say, as a person who is already misanthropic, this did not deepen any love I had for people, and I dare say, it greatly contributed to some of the things I will probably say in this post. Word of Warning: If you’re a guy, this may not be enjoyable. This will probably incur some anger. All I can say is deal with it, take some deep breaths, and listen objectively without making it personal.
The major issue about anything sex related, whether it be erotica, movies, magazines, even online sites and groups dedicated to sex, is that the #1 person who *must always* be appeased, is the male. His penis must be recognized, put to use, and become the main reason people are injesting the materials. The woman is 90% of the time, just a tool for his sexual release. Her needs, her wants, her desires are often not even considered. Even when guys talk causually, the discussion isn’t about how her involvement makes things better. It’s about how he jammed his man stick in something. Forget that it was a living, breathing human being. That’s not the important part. His penis is. Period.
I have debated this with numerous men. It is a well worn topic I’ve had with many men friends. Most adamantly disagree with me, till I ask questions like, “Did he ever ask if she was okay? If she was turned on? If she was ready? Did he say anything at all, other than he was going to cum? And if he did, did it relate to her at all, other than maybe something being “really hot”, or did it directly relate to how he interpreted her body in relation to himself? (I.e.: “I love fucking you”, “I can’t wait to do xyz to you”, etc.)”
It is a serious bone of contention with me that anything sexual created isn’t made for women. Women end up having to find what they like in what men provide, and hopefully find their place within it. Some do and are amazingly happy and I’m happy for them. But more often than not, I hear women say, “I love xyz, but I don’t get that very often.” To be fair, I hear my male friends say similar things; it isn’t exclusive, but men tend to find sex more satisfying than women on average. I completely blame the male dominated sexual culture we have created in America. Women are just a thing that provides pleasure, not a creature of pleasure for pleasure. Men greatly miss out due to their self centered need for release. And when fetishes get involved, that narrow focus becomes even more intent on his needs. I have seen this over and over again. Even when they attempt submission, they are still lazer focused on their experience and their pleasure and how it affects their penis, often topping from the bottom to get what they really want.
There is no way to get away from the male penis when you are attracted to men. They don’t let you ever forget they own an extra appendage.
Now, maybe I just have met the wrong guys. Maybe, it’s easy to say, “Well, Goddess…you write erotica. You have to expect to attract that ‘type of person’, so you can’t really be upset when they show up.” And that may sound like a fair point till you realize, my gripe isn’t about the fact that men have penises. It’s the fact that men, when it comes to sexual situations that they indulge in, seem to be incapable of being decent human beings. That they only focus on themselves first, and *maybe* the partner after.
Just because I write erotica doesn’t instantly mean I deserve to be treated like a fleshlite. There exists absolutely no reason I shouldn’t expect to be treated with human decency simply because my writing involves alternative sexual fetishes. If that is the argument you are making, let me stop you now and say that there is absolutely no reason to treat anyone less than human because of the things they enjoy doing, unless that enjoyment directly hurts someone. And telling me that I should expect that kind of treatment because I write erotica doesn’t just hurt me, it hurts every woman who has to deal with that kind of useless misogynistic judgement.
Also, please fuck off and never breed.
I have taken a long break away from writing erotica due to a number of men literally demanding that I cater to their needs in the form of writing exclusively to their fantasies, even after I said no. I started back up last year, cautiously and timidly, getting back into the flow. I made a resounding decision to write erotica I want to experience in real life. Things I want to feel, do, explore. The female body being explored, worshipped, and most importantly, loved the entire time the sex is happening. She is the most important thing in the scene.
The biggest thing missing from my writing these days? The male penis. Instead, I write about women who ask for what they want, have no expectations of reciprocation placed on them, and no whining or complaing when he doesn’t “get his turn”. 90% of the time, a penis never enters the scene. Just his hands, his mouth, his words, and his care. To me, that shit is hot. That’s what I get off on.
I wish men would challenge themselves when it comes to the sexual media they injest. Why they injest it, where their focus is, and how they can make it a meaningful part of their sexual wheelhouse over making it a necessary thing they have to have without thought to who they are with.
Consideration of other human beings should be the easiest thing to do. It should be the number one thing you do when involving yourself in a sexual situation with another person, whether it’s reading, watching, or even role playing in a chat online. You are dealing with human beings. Act like it.