Ruminating on love

I don’t want my lover to live with me.

It took me a bit of time to get to this place of realizing that I want to love someone, but I don’t want to live with them. I don’t want to wake up with them in bed with me every day. I don’t want to have to deal with creating meals for us every day. I don’t want to deal with the parsing of bills and financial needs that a living together relationship requires. I don’t want a relationship where by moving in together, there are immediate expectations that will more than likely not be met.

I want him to live down the street, in his own place, where he can retreat and I can send him back to when we both need to go to our own corners.

Maybe having their own space on my property, not attached to the house, but still on the land. Then, we could both be engaged in creating a place on earth that encompasses both our ivory towers.
For some, that sounds weird. I don’t know how to respond to that other than to say I have lived with enough people to know that isn’t something I want to do again. Yes, I would love to have the second income to help, but honestly, I’m doing fine on my own. It just takes a bit longer for me to do things as I have to save for them.

My daughter says that my idea isn’t so unusual. Of course, she knows of at least one adult couple who do actually function the way I am speaking. They don’t live together. They don’t even live in the same state, but they come and visit each other, he helps her with the things she needs done around the house that are handyman type things and she gives him the care and love he wants. But I think that is an exception to the standard. Aside from the couple she is thinking of, I don’t know of anyone who has anything similar.

Mostly, I just want someone who is willing to take the adventure with me. Someone who wants to contribute to my life, be an important part of it, and understand that by helping me create it, they are also helping to create stronger bonds of trust and admiration. When someone shows me they want to spend time with me by working on the projects I want to do, it says to me they care, that they want to build a life with me, that they understand my visions and dreams.

It seems silly, I guess. “Hey! Come help me do all this stuff to my house and land, but you aren’t moving in.” That seems like a lot to ask of someone. Most want to live together. I understand that, but I have been so burned before by those who just wanted free rides from my kindness and not contributing anything of meaning or worth to me. I am tired of being the main heavy lifter in a relationship. I want someone to join me and take some of the loads off me, whether it be creating a new garden, or redesigning a room, or just understanding that they are an equal part of a relationship, not the one the entire relationship centers around. That I have needs and goals that I want accomplished that I know I can’t do alone, and would love to have someone who wants to help me reach those needs and goals simply because it makes me happy.

It isn’t like I won’t make things equal. There are things that I know I do in a relationship that I feel brings it to equal. I do love cooking for the one I love. I love being caring and nurturing. i love sharing my life with another person. I am willing to listen and provide support and help when asked. I do want to provide the things that make it all equal or, at least, fulfilling. Because a relationship has to be fulfilling, each person has to feel they are receiving what they need to make the relationship worth having.

I was talking with a friend and said that maybe I should make a list of expectations if someone were to move in with me. That sounds rather mean, in my opinion, even though it was my idea, but they said it wasn’t really. it was a rational way to make sure the other person knew what was expected of them if they were to move in. How would that conversation even go? “So, we’ve reached that point where moving in is a possibility. Here is this list of things I need and expect from you should you move in. I need to you sign it so that we both understand what it means to move in with me.” Seems rather pre-nuppy to me, though I have no issues with pre-nups either. I just don’t know that anyone else would find the intelligence in it.

Of course, this is all just a mind exercise since I have no one and probably won’t have anyone in the near future. A case of “What if…” and nothing more.