reflections of a past trad wi

Looking at who I am today, it is almost unbelievable that at one time, I could have been a trad wife. I don’t know if I mentioned it here or not previously, but growing up, I hadn’t planned on a career because all I really wanted was to be a housewife and mom.

Life, of course, had other plans for me, I guess. I’m not upset really. I would still love to not have to work, but I know that my time would be spent between keeping house and pursuing dreams, goals, and ideas. That is what I wish I had the time for now. The passions I have inside me to explore.

I was a Christian for quite a large part of my developing life. From around 8 till I was 17. I found the faith depressing, repressive, and impossible to follow. I couldn’t be sinless. I would have to constantly ask for forgiveness, never knowing if it was really given, or if it was exasperating to god to continually have to forgive me. As that burden grew heavier, I discovered paganism and felt freer, happier, and more divine than I had before. I felt a natural and limitless connection with the male and feminine aspects of paganism and the inspiration of gods and goddesses for strengths and traits that I could focus on to gain for myself. I picked Quan Yin for my main goddess aspect to learn compassion, inner strength, and courage to be who I am.

It is impossible to go back now. I have become too independent, too head strong, too sure in myself, my motives, and my morals. I am not opposed to becoming a homemaker and housewife now as I get older. The problem is the men who want the same are not the men for me. Sometimes, I feel like the only sane person in my world. lol! I hear so many weird ideas and beliefs about religions, politics, conspiracy theories, etc. How can one like me find anyone who is mentally stable enough to make sense? lol!

So, I have given up looking and fulfilling that dream of being a wife who bakes bread, cookies, meals and does things in the old tradition ways, like canning, preserving, creating herbal remedies, etc. Living the older ways but having a modern mindset. I have become aware that people are not into moderation anymore, swinging from one extreme to the other. I lived that life throughout my childhood. I understand that wild swinging due to anxiety, PTSD and Christianity constantly insisting I be like god. I’m tired of extremes. I want peace, calm, and stability in mentality. I just don’t see that in anyone anymore. I think we have given into being the worst of us as humans because it is easier and less challenging than to think critically, seek peace, and find ways for everyone to prosper. I wish I knew how to cure the sick world we live in, but all I can do is take care of myself, my family, and friends. I hope that will be enough.