A Possibility

I’m at the precipice of a potentially new relationship. Wow…that phrase sounds extremely like, “This relationship is only in your head,” doesn’t it? LOL It isn’t in my head, I promise.

I have been speaking with someone for just under a week now, and so far, it has been going well. We connect and don’t connect on things, and that’s okay. There are things that he has said that make me have a few doubts, but I also realize it is really early to make a full judgment. My brain hasn’t immediately shut him down, and we have talked every day, so I see this as a good thing overall. The things that have given me doubts aren’t exactly deal breakers for me, but do make me somewhat cautious and more observational about them, but I am willing to give things a go before confirming that maybe my doubts are founded.

As a person with CPTSD that stems from the emotional neglect from my parents, relationships have always been problematic for me. I find that I have consistently found people who are not good for me and potentially have extricated those who may have been. It makes me very closed off in starting new relationships and skeptical from the start, always looking for where things are going to go wrong.

Since I’ve never had what one would consider a “mutual and safe” relationship, I am not able to recognize what one looks like from the onset, and that’s a problem. I don’t know how relationships work. How they are supposed to look generally, because I’m aware everyone’s relationships are different. I don’t know anything about healthy relationships because I’ve never actually had one except friendships.

So this is kind of new territory. What I am used to isn’t happening, and I think that’s okay. That sudden infatuation where you don’t want to stop talking to each other isn’t happening. At first, it threw me for a bit of a loop as my insecurity kicked in, wondering if their interest was only temporary and that in the course of a day, the interest had waned. I corrected myself almost immediately, reminding myself that a healthy relationship isn’t formed on an intense and sudden infatuation but a process. People in relationships do need that time to themselves to reflect, process, and literally do something else. They need that time regardless of the situation. That a lack of communication doesn’t mean a rejection and to tell my abandonment issues to sit down and relax. LOL

He has also expressed a few concerns, and honestly, I’m glad. That means he is critically thinking as well. It could also mean he has been hurt in the past, but for now, he’s given me no real indication that is the case, outside of the normal hurt that can be dealt when relationships end. I’m glad that he gives me an opportunity to address his concerns and come to a mutual understanding before they get out of hand.

My first impression of this person was instantly a good and positive one. That hasn’t changed. I am still quite positive here and that is pretty amazing as it has been my experience that usually after a few days, their true self comes out and they show who they are and what they are truly wanting, which usually doesn’t line up with my needs. So while certain parts of our conversation have moved towards what I normally would take as my sign that things aren’t going to work out, it has been balanced with other things that put me a bit more at ease that that is part of the relationship and not the entirety, which is an important piece.

I try not to compare it to my current friendships that I value because we literally have only been talking for less than a week, so I’m not going to have all the silly, stupid conversations I have with some of my friends that I’ve had for 4 or more years. The comfort level needs to be there before we can discuss the cultural implications of The Smurfs, or why we have a deep seated need to explore things that are myth to see if they are true or where the myth started from. And that’s okay. Those are all great topics, but those are also 3 am topics that I can wait to have.

We have conversed enough for me to feel secure in ascertaining that he isn’t a willfully ignorant imbecile with politics, which works for me. At this point, as long as you aren’t using politics to deliberately hurt others and can acknowledge that inclusiveness and diversity are not just natural, they are needed in society, I’ll call that a win. I’m so tired of the Asshole Pride and the need to directly hurt and harm people because you refuse to understand their life experiences I could literally die. So, finding someone who understands that compassion is a necessity in life is something I will take. I know I can’t change people, and I accept that, but also being the peace for someone else to see what empathy and compassion can do, I can work with that.

I think my nervousness comes from the fact that things haven’t gone the way they always go. This is different, and now all the constructed responses aren’t applicable. I’m kind of out of my element, and that makes me uncertain. But I did make a promise to myself to just be myself, let things happen organically, pay attention and comment on that which makes me uncomfortable when it does, and enjoy whatever happens. I can really only participate in the situation, and it’s unfair to attempt to control it. Even if things don’t work out, this experience will promote only good feelings and hopefully habits for the future.

I am hopefully for this, but I am working to stay grounded and realistic, letting my mind go into flights of fantasy every once in a while, but making sure there’s a kite string on those flights. It feels so different, but so good, too.