dream and reality

I drempt last night that I was working for a Disneyland type place.

I had been working there for quite a while from what I gathered in the dream. I was invited to an event that the owner/CEO type important person was hosting, like an end of the year event for those who were going to be honored. I knew just about everyone there and was excited to be invited.

There was a talent show before the main event, and many of the entertainers performed their favorite acts. Once they were all done, the Important Person started a speech about his appreciation of everyone and how impressed he has been with how well things have gone for the year.

He spoke from an elevated area, and he invited us all to come up and take a piece of paper with a heart on it and the questions: What was your best job? What was your worst and best in sales? I don’t know what I did at this park, but I knew I wasn’t in sales, so I used my favorite sales job as the answer. I wrote down the business for when I was working for myself and put down $50 as the worst and $1,500 as the best.

Once I was done, he started to take them from each person in turn, telling them what their bonus or promotion would be, and put a number in the heart on the ticket. When he got to me, he simply took the ticket, then moved on. I had a sickening feeling in my stomach and walked away from the space.

Once he was done, he explained that those who had a number in their heart were promoted, those who just had a heart were staying where they were, and those with no hearts, well, it was a pleasure to work with you and I wish you luck to your future. Some of my coworkers realized that I had no heart and were protesting, saying that I was always positive and helpful, and I deserved to stay. The Important Person apologized and said he understood how we all felt, but it had to be done. I was shuffled off to a limo, where he called me as they drove me home and explained to me all the reasons I was let go. I told him that I really enjoyed my job and thought I was doing so well. The entire time, I was waiting for him to say that he had changed his mind, or I had actually been put through the public humiliation to get one of the best positions there, but I woke up before I ever discovered if that happened.

I’m glad I tend to take dreams as garbage in/garbage out otherwise, I’d be really worried.

That got me to thinking about the coworker I had to report to HR. I call him Big Mad Man because that man can’t hide his emotions ever. Aside from being about work, I don’t know why my brain connected the dream with this line of thought, but I’ve been trying to piece it out since this morning.

He’s been mad at me since he was allowed to return from work. He has made it abundantly clear he is mad at me, from avoiding me to refusing to talk to me. I have remained nice to him as I have been to everyone else. My feelings are, he was illuminated on why his behavior was wrong, why he needs to change that behavior, and that he was given a second chance. I still have to work with him, so I can be kind and civil. It isn’t up to me to punish him further for his mistake.

It is very disappointing to see, however. It means that he still doesn’t see that what he did was wrong, He’s mad that I had the nerve to call it out to someone who had the power to provide punishment. I’m the one who is at fault here, not him, who decided he needed to display a dick pic. I told my coworker that it is disappointing because he doesn’t take accountability for doing something stupid and offensive. That he still thinks he did nothing wrong. She believed he was aware of that. I said, “No. He wouldn’t still be mad at me if he were taking accountability for his behavior. He would have apologized and acknowledged his mistake. He hasn’t done that, so he has learned nothing.”

What makes this the most disappointing is that just before all of this, he and I had a conversation about why he needs to change. He felt he was just fine, and it was his inability to pick better women. I explained to him examples of things he had said to me that showed he was not “fine” and that he had not shown he was compassionate, understanding, or willing to listen. One of them was even a federal crime as he went from one state to another to stalk a woman who was cheating on him. He immediately shut down the conversation because he didn’t like hearing an opinion that didn’t match with his perceived reality.

And maybe that is what my brain is trying to tell me. My perceived reality isn’t always the true reality. Maybe I need to take some time to be self-reflective and make sure that where I am with myself may not be completely accurate.

Hmm…