On Kindness

On a different note about messages from the Universe, I have noticed this week there has been a really strong one:

Don’t look at others from the perspective of a confrontation, but with a desire to understand without feeling like you have to accept.

I think one of the things that I have had a hard time with over the last 6 years is people whose thoughts, feelings, opinions, ideas, etc. are not inclusive. They are proud to be assholes, as if that’s an esteemed personality trait or persona characteristic. They refuse to see things from a point of view other than their own, which seems to be completely skewed away from community, society, compassion, and even ethics.

It is hard to be kind to these people. They are walking, talking intentional pokes in the eyes. Their sole objective is to get rises out of people because that creates a positive reinforcement for them that they are right, that they are the only smart person in the room and it allows them an air of self-authority to talk down to people who aren’t bigger and more aggressive assholes. Their sole purpose to exist is to piss off as many people in a day as possible.

I used to think about how miserable their lives must be to constantly have to drag down others to feel better. The problem with this thinking is that while that may be what they are doing, they aren’t consciously aware of it, more than likely never will be, and have learned there is more to gain in their current course of action than making a change. The behavior gives instant gratification and there is no moment where they have to feel a sense of moral consciousness because they are really just looking for that immediate result and either string that out as long as possible in an argument (no matter what they say, it is never a “debate”. They are already coming at the discussion with intellectual dishonesty. They really have no desire to talk to a mutually accepted agreement where all parties feel satisfaction. They are there simply to make others angry so they can continue their personal beliefs about themselves.), or they just go on to the next “target” for the new rush of feel goods.

For the most part, I stopped engaging a long time ago. Now, I tend to state my thoughts as a standalone. People can challenge those thoughts, propose alternative ideas or opinions, or choose to register me as the newest target. I don’t go looking for an argument because nothing is ever gained from that. The only time I do so is when I am not actually doing so for the person I’m responding to, but so that those who might feel they don’t have power can see, they really do. or to point out how the comments spoken are gaslighting, misleading, misplacing accountability, or whatever the red flag may be so that other people don’t fall prey to the idea that what is being expressed is the truth or expectations in society. In fact, I will openly say, when the OP wants to argue with me, I’m not commenting to change the OP’s mind.  That will never happen because the OP is too close-minded to look beyond their feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. to change their mind. That I am posting for those who haven’t gained the strength to use their power and when to recognize when it is actively being attempted to be taken from them. you can usually tell the intentions of the OP when they become angry at the fact that you are no longer addressing them, but helping others become more aware of the language being used to take away their power. To me, it shows it works. If the aggressor gets upset at being thwarted, then their intentions were not to create a better agreement but to aggressively pound someone into submission.

I have left most of Facebook due to the fact that it has become a haven for these types of people. They aren’t interested in creating something new. They are interested in simply putting people down for wanting better, moving towards things that benefit everyone more, and having respectful conversations. I removed all groups and pages that I followed that had a theme of “We’re dicks and it makes us happy!” themes. Sometimes it’s quiet and subtle and sometimes, it’s loud and obnoxious. I don’t miss these groups or those people. I am sad that it has lessened my desire to be on Facebook where I do connect with a lot of my friends, but I feel protecting my own mental soundness is important as well. (that and the fact that Facebook is putting me in jail for calling someone a “potato”, while some asshole is literally telling people to make the world a better place by killing themselves gets unlimited options to continue spreading that kind of behavior became ridiculous. No one needs to deal with that.)

I have watched people who have become “hunters” who go around to try and argue and “take out” the opposition. All I ever see them doing is getting angry and exhausted. I decided that was not for me. I’m already heavy on the misanthropy. Becoming a “hunter” would put me on comic book levels of evil villains, I’m pretty certain. I would rather help others find their strength and secure their foundations and boundaries than try to reason with a jackass who refuses to do anything more than push buttons under the deceptive guise of “debate”. I’m often exhausted for them watching them constantly slam a solid wall.

Over time, it has been really difficult for me to watch people literally lose their sense of humanity because they want to be right/superior/important/whatever. That their need to come out “on top” as the “winner” has overridden their innate need to work together with others. It makes me sad that people are so willing to close themselves off to the idea that people aren’t there to simply hurt. Just because that is what you need to feel happy, it doesn’t help in connecting with others, and that lack of connection will eventually make the unhappiness greater and larger than it needs to be. So I see their reason for their behavior, but I also know their behavior has to continue to shit on others to keep that feeling they want to keep going. They refuse to see that by being a human to others and treating all people with respect, care and compassion actually extends that happiness beyond the immediate. Those kinds of behaviors create a longer lasting, more fulfilling happiness than just going around being a huge insult no one wants to deal with.

I have even done this practice of looking at the core reasons why people do the things they do that are hurtful so that I can have compassion and empathy. It is one of the reasons that I know these assholes are the way they are and why. I can’t help them. I can’t talk them out of their process because, unfortunately, it is a crossroad they have to come to themselves.

However, I am seeing the message to put kindness out into the world. Be kind to those who are hurting and behaving in ways that only provide fleeting happiness. And I don’t think that I can do that at a huge level. I think it is more effective on a one on one basis. The examples I see have all had a one on one conversation. I imagine as a group situation, it becomes just one person giving kindness to a group of wild baboons who are spanking their asses, throwing shit and doing everything they can to keep the group together and not listen to the one trying to provide kindness.

I think in moving forward, I’m not going to engage unless it is a one on one situation. That doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. In that action, maybe it will spread more and be more prolific in effect than not. I do remember talking to my coworker who was trying to create a negative conversation about trans people, and I listened and then asked, “Why do you want to make their lives harder? Their sole objective is to live happily as who they are in the ways they want, exactly like you do. Is that so wrong?” It must have hit a nerve because he has never said anything negative to me since then, and that was at least 4 months ago. So, I already know the process to diffusing these negative things. I just need to utilize them better.