I See the Signs

Do you believe in signs? Do you think you would recognize a sign when you see one? How many signs does it take before you realize they are a sign?

I will openly admit, I’m terrible as seeing signs. I’m terrible at recognizing when the Universe is screaming at me. That is why I prefer to resolve issues when they first come about rather than wait down the road. I believe things are circular in life. If you don’t grab it the first time around, it will come back around bigger, particularly things you either need to do or resolve. I believe signs get louder and more pronounced the more you ignore them.

Remember, the Universe is always on your side. It wants you to be and live the best you can, and it will literally move things in your way for you to stumble over if you aren’t accepting what it’s sending you. I fully believe this.

One of the things that I am working to manifest is additional money. I am planning to work small, but I wonder if the Universe is telling me to be brave and go bigger. My plans are to work on my goals at the end of this month when work has a mandatory shutdown and I’m not working. But I do feel the universe is literally screaming at me right now.

Ironically, one of my goals in the “make more money” manifestation was sort of created. I realized I needed to get on some health insurance. I dreaded the idea of having one more expense I would need to pay every month because while I’ve reduced my spending, it was so I could save. It seemed like a no-win there. But, the previous week, we were told we can clock in when we get in, instead of waiting till 5 till the start time. I get to work 15 minutes early, at least every day. That time is all overtime. That extra 15 minutes I’m here anyway can go towards paying the ridiculously expensive health insurance provided by my employer, and it comes directly out of my paycheck so I never have to dole out the money. Win!

My job is fairly easy, and it is easy to get comfortable in it because it doesn’t take a whole lot of my energy or creativity. It also pays me just enough to cover my bills and not much else. I think of everything I need to do and take care of in the near future, and honestly, I have no idea how I am going to do it on my current wages. It’s not desperate, but it isn’t exactly comfortable either. I do recognize that in large part due to my getting comfortable in my situation even as it doesn’t completely benefit me.

So, last week, I was dealing with a pancreatic attack. It had me out of work for a day and a half. As I sat at home realizing this is directly affecting my income as I am not getting paid for sick days, I had to also spend time while trying to get better figuring out and stressing out about my budget. Especially when at the end of this month, I have to take two days off because work has decided to shut down and not pay anyone for their decision. (Unions people. Fucking Unions. Don’t ever let employers get away with this shit. I don’t care what you think about unions, under them, you get what you deserve for shitty employer decisions and that’s where they come in.)

This week, I was able to return to work and there was a conversation that came up that basically said, ‘I don’t know why you haven’t been hired yet (I work as a temp). The policy has always been after 3 months, you get hired on.” Now, I’ve been at this job since August of last year. They let me go “accidentally” in October (which was fine. I was working two jobs at the time) and brought me back for the tandem monthly shutdowns into the new year.

Now, obviously, I didn’t take the hint back then, worked to make sure I was still here and let things just kind of keep going. I take accountability for that.

In Jan, I started asking the manager of the department when I would be hired on. He kept telling me “we’re working on that”. I heard that the last time in March. I’m still not hired.

I asked my agent last month if he could look into it since I was supposed to be hired by this time. The very next day, there was a job freeze. I also never heard back from my agent. (No shock. Temp agents are notoriously horrible at actually talking to you once you get a job.)

So how many signs has the Universe given me to move on and find something new, do something new? Yeah…I haven’t been listening.

Yesterday, I wrote an email to the company HR where I work, asking for clarification on their temp to perm policy. I figure if I never get an answer, that is my final sign. Start looking elsewhere because here simply isn’t going to happen. After all, silence is also a sign. It means “This is not something you need to do, think about, look into.” And that’s okay! It’s an answer.

So far, there’s been no answer. I don’t expect one because the Universe has been giving me the answer since at least October. “Look elsewhere”. “Find alternatives”. “Create your own income”.

I like my current job and I like what I do, but…it isn’t what I WANT to do. I have never actually wanted to work for someone else. I just have never felt like I have anything to really offer that anyone would want. I need to change that thinking and start believing in myself. So I will start believing that I have what people want. I will start looking for something that pays better that I can do in the interim. I will start to work towards the life I want.

The Universe has shown me the truth and given me all the signs to abandon this ship, step out and start walking on the water. I just need to trust it and make that leap of faith.