The cult of men

MRA and incels are in cults. Whether they will agree with that or not, they are. The cult worked because of their “lived experiences” that reinforce the ideas of those cults.

I see a lot of people dealing with incels and MRA’s with reactions that only continue to reinforce their beliefs and not change them. I see a lot of people confront them, using facts aggressively, pulling up articles, trying to “convince” them of their wrong think.

This will NEVER work. Ever.

The coercive thoughts that a person is working with and others are trying to work against are too strong. They are wrapped so tightly in emotions, trauma, and resentment, it is nearly impossible to separate a person from those thoughts and incredibly easy to bind them tighter in arguments. If guilt, shame, self-disgust, lack of any self-confidence, etc., brought them into the cult, they will be even harder to pull out. Yet time and time again, I see people constantly just trying to beat these guys up.

I was listening to a cult podcast (of course) today, talking to Diane Benscoter regarding helping people transition out of cults, cult like thinking, and coercive control. One of the biggest takeaways was that after enough exposure, reinforcement, and acceptance, the coercive control becomes an identity. It no longer is a set of beliefs but a lived experience that is a core personality. It becomes incredibly easy to supplant ideas, thoughts, and new beliefs of one’s core self. That becomes nearly impossible to defeat without some truly exceptional tactics.

One of the other take aways is that the main way to get someone to break the haze and “wake up”, is to not challenge their beliefs, to not aggressively combat their character, but to use empathy and ask questions that challenge their beliefs. Ask what they believe. Ask how they came to these beliefs. Ask them for examples of where those beliefs were true, then ask them if that was true or just their perception of what is true. Ask them if it is possible they didn’t see something they thought they did. Ask them what they first thought when they first heard the beliefs of MRA or incels.

The idea isn’t to convince them. The idea is to help them navigate back out of that haze and confusion that they have been constantly exposed to through whatever sources they use that keeps them there. The idea is to remember, they are actually victims of coercive control that anyone can be victims of. They are following the wrong speak of someone or something that has a lot more to gain by taking from them than the person following the wrong speak.

It is just as hard to keep yourself in that frame of mind. It is so much easier to say, “Look idiot! You are a horrible person for these beliefs! These beliefs make you a monster!” than asking, “What was the first time you thought you were the victim of women, and what did you think and feel at that time?” It honestly isn’t a patience I have. I am not clever enough to sit with someone and work them through. I don’t have the proper training to be effective, so I don’t try. But I do know, screaming at them does nothing but further entrench them and makes their recovery harder to come to.

With MRA and incels, it is often hard to remember, the main reason they went down that road, listened to the coercive language and adopted it full heartedly is because, deep down, these men are in pain. They hurt emotionally. They feel a loss and emptiness that they have been unable to work through before and the path MRA and incels offer is easier, brings a sense of power (though it is totally artificial because nothing coercively gained provides any sort of benefits to the person brought in. Only the people at the top, which are usually white supremacists who are looking for funding), and a sense of self, though it is a false sense that once the fog lifts, will leave them looking at the wasteland they have created. The coercive control is comforting, happily confirms their feelings in a false validation, and allows them the space and right to be angry at others instead of looking inward. It removes the obligation of accountability and self introspection and opens the doors wide for the volatile actions they want to take by assuring them they are right to do so.

These things require empathy from others. Women can not provide this empathy at the onset. Women are enemies. Women are not to be trusted. Women aren’t human. Others, as in other men. Because only men can start the process of drawing an MRA or incel out. Because they only listen to other men. But it takes time, it takes patience, and it takes empathy, which is not something men are greatly equipped with, unfortunately, which is why we have this situation. It takes men who have emotions, know that feelings aren’t bad, and that having the courage to care for someone and not feel weird or negative about it, to help them along in their recovery. Sadly, I don’t see this happening either because the general response from men is “I’m only responsible for myself. What other people do isn’t my problem”, even though that is only a half truth. It is their problem that they foster and allow to continue.

I don’t have a lot of hope for those who are trapped in the coercive control of MRA and incels. I don’t have much hope for the people they come into contact with doing the right thing and helping them instead of continuing to confirm their beliefs. Women can’t do it, and men won’t. So women will continue to be subjected to manipulators, violence, and worse because men can’t be bothered to step outside of themselves to help fix the problem.

Yelling at them, calling them names, telling them their beliefs are dumb/wrong/horrible, these things don’t help, but no one wants to try empathy either. I wish I had a better solution, but I don’t. Yes, these MRA and incels got themselves into their mindset, but it takes a group of people helping them find their way back out, and no one seems to want to do that. No one wants to have empathy. No one wants to think in humanitarian terms. And so it will just continue and get worse.