Can we please?

I witnessed a bullying incident at a local fast food place that supposedly makes sandwiches to benefit firefighters, in the town I work in this week. I could tell it was something that was happening on several levels, whether it was blatant and transparent, to subtle aggression. The target was exceptionally helpful, really unable to look at people, and fairly meek, unless dealing directly with me, who was being kind and supportive even while asking a ton of questions not in relation to bullying, but to the large order I had placed for the office meeting.

As I drove back to work and thought about what I had seen, I got angrier. I did my job, took a lunch, then went to the corporate headquarters website of the franchise and put in some feedback telling them to either give a raise to or promote the girl who had helped me and take care of the two who were obviously work place bullies. I also mentioned they drastically overcharged for two of the drinks, and that was not acceptable either. I asked not to be responded to unless they had done a service to the girl, and they intended to provide some kind of compensation for the overcharge. There were other things that had taken place, but they aren’t really relevant to this story.

The next day, I got a long email from the owner of the store. She offered all this talk of how she had talked to each person involved and how the bullied girl said she hadn’t been bullied, explained why what I thought I saw wasn’t what I actually saw, how the behaviors weren’t the behaviors I witnessed, and how everything is great in the store. The affected person has been an employee for 2 years and is a college student, which was irrelevant. She also said that the overcharge wasn’t an overcharge, but accurate, even though I was told differently in the store and the website itself. She did apologize and did state what her actions would be, but…with all her excuses and brushing things under the rug, to me, made her reply disingenuous.

I did reply. I simply gave my experience again, and while I can totally see how it would have come off as being rude and condescending, I basically explained what happens in a workplace with bullies and how the target is going to understate what really happened to prevent further targeting. I asked her to understand the possible perspective of the person she has employed as a victim and how that affects people. I also did mention that her lie about the overcharge really undermined her good intentions, because, if you are willing to lie just to keep what amounts to $1.50 in profit, you sure as hell are willing to lie about what actually happens in your business. I’m not saying my email was rude. It wasn’t flowery, but it didn’t provide any name calling other than these people know exactly what they are doing, that they don’t seem to understand what working as a team means, and that perhaps, instead of training that will waste time, spend time in the store making sure things aren’t happening that shouldn’t.

Today, I got a succinct email that basically said that I was wrong about the overcharge and sarcastically thanked me for my “vast experience” and “knowledge” of her business and for expressing it so condescendingly and offensively.

So now I knew why there was a bullying problem in the store.

Now…me being me, couldn’t resist a reply of thanking them for acknowledging my experience and advice and did state that they really need to rethink their business model if it’s based off price gouging for profit, sent, then blocked her email. Three days is two days too long to deal with this. I then also sent a long message back to the corporate office letting them know this had been a lunch order for a local business that is nationwide and will be discouraged from using this particular store in the future and I’d be letting others in the community know that this particular store has no interest in resolving problems over gaining profit. I didn’t ask for a response.

Yesterday, I had a discussion with my coworker in regards to kindness. I was talking about my daughter and her friend’s experience watching the movie “Encanto” and mine and how they were upset at things that I had really not even thought about and how it had really made me aware that I had been conditioned to think that behavior was okay, but that they were right and it wasn’t. He says, “Kids today. They are just too soft.”

“I’m good with that. People should be soft. We have a great propensity to be so much better than we are, and we never take it,” I replied.

“People have always been like that,” he said.

“But that doesn’t make it right, and it doesn’t mean we need to continue that just because it’s always been,” I stated.

As always, when I put these thoughts to him, he mutters and walks away.

This morning, I was watching a short video of a little girl, probably around 4 or 5, trying to lead a pet sheep, that was almost taller than her, on a rope to go where she wanted. The sheep dug its feet in and refused to move, then tossed wildly, hurting the girl’s hand. The girl looked at her hand, then broke down in pain and frustration.

A woman commented that wouldn’t it be better to teach the girl to have some patience, find a less forceful way to get the sheep to move, and maybe that process would help them both work together. The responses were just a ton of people bashing her for being “stupid” and not understanding that the point is to “break the will” of the sheep and that the girl has to be that way to get the sheep to move. That the person was stupid to think that an animal would actually react positively to kindness. That she needed to quit talking about things she didn’t understand.

The video brought back memories of watching my mom groom dogs, where if they fell off the table because they were jumping around, trying to stop the activity, she’d let them hang there by their neck from the lead that was suspended from a long metal hook above. That she’d pop them on the muzzle with a metal comb to get them to quit moving their head. That she would literally do extremely abusive things to animals that made me super uncomfortable to watch. Things that I knew if the dog owners saw would never come back would possibly sue or press charges for animal abuse and endangerment. She swore it didn’t hurt the animal, but honestly, I never once believed that. The responses to this comment reminded me so much of that situation. It actually made me sad.

As I reflect on these things, I wish it weren’t so easy to disregard these horrible acts of humanity. That we can easily excuse people being bullied, people being shitty to each other and animals. That our default is “This isn’t that bad!” when it really is. Then, when you point out that it isn’t that good either, they get angry at you for speaking out and saying something.

We really need to change this thinking as a species. We really need to not go the easiest route. We also need to come to some understanding of why being horrible to each other is the default. Why is being mean easier? Is it because it requires so little of us? Is it because it is so much easier to shed our ethics, integrity, and morals that would normally keep us from being shitty? Because, yeah, being kind, having empathy, compassion, that requires more from you than just spitting out a mean thing or doing a mean thing. It asks us to take ourselves out of the equation and think of someone else for a moment and consider their perspective.

These are thoughts that neg on me all the time. We see so many examples of people openly being shitty to each other, and no one bats an eye. No one challenges. No one steps up and asks, “Why are you being this way?” In a lot of cases, we join in and “help”, which isn’t helpful. It’s like we are so eager to beat others down to feel better, we don’t even stop to think of why we do what we do.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. I make plenty of errors. I don’t always question my motives or think if I shouldn’t. My email yesterday wasn’t exactly “kind”, but it was also done with the intentions of helping someone who was obviously powerless against two supervisors and had no options but to deal with this bullshit. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if she absolutely hates herself that she has to keep going in because she feels she can’t get a better job right now, or that if she just lasts this much longer, or whatever her reasons are, and that’s not okay. She shouldn’t have to have that conversation with herself. She shouldn’t be in a position to have to wonder why someone is just shitty to her simply because they are in a position where they are above her. And while I might be projecting myself into her at this moment, the fact is, I can, and I do so feeling so awful for her, not for me. I’m able to have the empathy to do that. And if I’m wrong, that’s okay. I’d rather be wrong standing up against shitheads that aren’t shitheads than not doing anything and letting this poor girl constantly be victimized by shitheads.

Why don’t others do this? If they are wrong, they are wrong. No shame, You were wrong for the right reasons there, and it’s okay to say you misunderstood and apologize. The thing is, no one wants to even give that much. What is so wrong with being wrong due to compassion?

Until we stop just acting on impulse with anger, hate, malice, and enjoy of the reward of anger that is returned, we are never going to get better as a species. As supposedly the most intelligent species on this planet, we need to quit being so stupid about how we deal with other people. We need to get out of our own heads and start thinking about the experiences of others. If we never do that, we aren’t any better than the animals people think are stupid and inferior. We have brains, feelings, and the ability to care. Can we start using it, please? Can we start giving a shit about other things besides ourselves and our feelings? can we, please?
L