Drive by Blogging

This is going to be a bunch of random because it’s been a week.

It started with Tuesday when I was told that my assignment is ending on Sept 30th. I mean, I knew that was coming. I’m glad I have 30 days more than I thought I’d have, so that was good. I have been applying for jobs since two weeks ago, so that hasn’t been really an issue.

But my god, are employers absolute garbage these days. I had one that was offering me an “entry level” position for a job I have 30+ years’ experience in, and wanting to pay me $19 an hour to do the equivalent of 4 jobs, with the base pay for one of them, and nothing close to the max for the best paid one. Then they wanted me to work over 50 hours a week. Not to mention, this is a company that provides predatory loans to people by using car titles as collateral, the next-door equivalent of payday loan companies made to victimize the poor who have employers just like the one trying to hire me. Like, what the actual fuck? You are having a hard time filling this position? What a shock. (/sarcasm)

Either that or there are a ton of corporate pyramid schemes that are probably just cults in disguise. Firm pass. I don’t need to pay anyone to work. And listen, any job that wants you to pay anything to work for them is not a job. It’s an indentured servitude position. Don’t even feel like you need to be kind rejecting these employers. Their entire business model is to suck as much cash from you as they can for no payoff, except to them. These companies should be illegal.

Then I had an employer who reached out an hour after the appointment time for a phone interview after I had emailed to ask if it needed to be rescheduled. Didn’t acknowledge the lateness and acted like it was taking place on time. Then I didn’t hear from them for almost a week. Then they called to schedule an in-person interview, which I accepted, only to wake up to an email saying I hadn’t been selected, and thanks for applying. I sent a text to the person asking to clarify what happened, which resulted in a “reminder” text. Um…what? then an email from th employer claiming it must have been a glitch and to ignore. I rescinded my appointment at that point. I don’t need to work for an employer that can’t get their shit together from the onset. The worst part is that this is a major nationwide corporation, not a small business. I already work at an extremely dysfunctional place. I can’t imagine how it would be working for a place that’s even worse.

It hasn’t been all bad experiences. I’ve had a lot of positive experiences and some really good potentials, all making more than I’m making now, which is important, so I’m waiting to see what comes from this all. These positives have greatly outweighed the negative, so just putting it out there, the bad is not what I’m focusing on. I’m explaining it to add to a future point in this post.

I’m having another pancreatic attack. The only reason I’m not rushing to the Dr is because it is very mild. Pressure instead of pain, no fever, or low fever at night, and just mostly acid reflux that started this morning. I’ve been treating it with prune juice, heating pads, and rest, though I’m at work today because I can’t afford to take time off to heal. I will be cathartic the rest of the weekend, which should give me plenty of time to recover. If I am not showing signs of improvement by Monday, I’ll make a Dr’s appointment after work.

This attack makes me wonder if stress isn’t an issue here. I know that after 2019, my stress levels were greatly reduced, and over the years since, it has gone down even more. There are stressful moments, and I acknowledge that, but I also notice that when my stress rises, so do my health issues. I have looked up the long-term effects of stress on people with CPTSD, and, of course, it is a huge factor. I also know that around my age, within 10 years, both my parents had to have gall bladder surgery for similar issues, though they waited until it was an emergency to do something. I’m hoping to take care of it before that happens, but…I need money and better health insurance, so…Yay America. (I feel like I’m saying this way too often these days. I swear this country wants me dead.) But I do often wonder if stress can cause a physical disability where you become far too sensitive and physically react to it. I really feel I’m there at that place. I do actually worry that the time I took during covid reduced the amount of daily stress I was used to being under and the backlash now is that my body may be overreacting to even minor stressors in my life. Not that I ever want to go back handling the amount of stress I was. I am quite happy now with the level I have and would actually like less.

I try not to spend time in regret, but this regret is on myself and not external things. I regret not doing more to create a job that doesn’t require an employer to rely on my income when I had the time at home. I regret not learning how to market better and spend way too much on a website that no one was buying my items from because it wasn’t a corporate owned site that people, for some reason, trust more over an individual. (Which, by the way, really sucks for small businesses because it forces them to pay fees and have to deal with site rules and regulations that don’t actually help the small business, but the site owner instead. If you can pay a small business directly, please do. It makes a huge difference to their ability to provide more and do more since they aren’t paying fees and dealing with things that don’t do anything to promote their business. Corporate sites like Etsy, Shopify, etc, don’t really make small businesses money or help them make the most they can. They provide a platform, but the businesses on them lose a lot being there.) I regret not being able to afford local shows or even being able to find where they are because these things just don’t advertise around here like they do everywhere else. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an adversity to posting, not just events, but when vendors are wanted. I have a lot of regrets about how I got too comfortable with my situations and didn’t do more to further my own progress. So, I work through this and forgive myself. I did what I did. I can’t go back, but I can move forward, and I intend to.

I have all but stopped listening to all the LoA podcasts. The last two were the hanger ons, but the one I had been listening to the longest, it just became the same three stories of success that, while inspiring, get boring after the 5th or 10th retelling, and the blatant money grab that was starting because her other business(es) were not going so well due to the lockdown. The other one decided to call himself a “guru”, on top of starting to tell people how to live, what to eat, how to dress, and that’s a huge nope for me. I’ve listened to enough anti-cult related podcasts now to know that the moment that shit starts up, it’s time to walk. that may not have been the intention, but honestly, I don’t need to listen to more to find out.

Speaking of the anti-cult podcasts, can I just say that I have to take a serious break from The Influence Continuum? I have been listening to the older episodes. They deal with the events of the American government and the Christian and extreme right cults that have been trying to systematically break the federal government, destroy the economic system, and basically destroy the Constitution. These past episodes have talked in theoretical of what may happen, but now, today, so many of those things have actually happened as they speculated, and honestly, it’s become terrifying to listen to. Much like the podcast “Behind the Bastards” in 2018, I had to eventually stop listening because all the info they were giving was completely relevant to everything going on a that time and who all the players were in the administration at the time and it just pissed me off that this has been allowed to happen, and encouraged in America. I don’t want to lose hope with America, but honestly, I’m not sure there is much to hang onto hope for. So I’m taking a break from these. If it weren’t an anti-cult podcast, I’d seriously question if it was promoting a left wing extremist (which doesn’t exist) cult on its own. Also, it’s just annoying to listen to the host blatantly interrupt the guest to talk about himself and his past experiences that he’s already said a million times and his guest generally already knows well, and not be able to retransition back to the points the guest was trying to make, so I’m sure a lot of great info was lost due to these interruptions.

I also have stopped The Magic, but not because of any personal issues with it. It really has just come down to my morning schedule. I wake up between 4 and 4:30 every morning. I need to get up, get dressed, feed the cat, get my juice (which is a part of my morning routine, and has been for 20 years. It provides me comfort.) I then go out and water the garden, then sit for a few moments to catch up with the email and friends online (I have a friend in Australia who I talk to in the mornings). Then I have to make my breakfast and lunch for the day, finish getting ready, set up my podcast list for the day and by that time, it’s time to leave for work at 6:00. So, my morning routines are already fairly packed. I have done parts of it while lying in bed, particularly if I wake up at 4, but even still, I prefer my long wake-up in the morning. Since I will be changing jobs and my mornings may change, I have to rethink my situation. I did notice a difference, and I do find myself viewing the world and people around me differently, and I like that. I will probably try to start up again next week, at least for a while, but I find that I am putting moments of gratitude in my days, even without the morning practice. But I’d still like to get back into it, if for nothing else, it is still a good habit to have.

So that’s the rundown of life since I last posted. It’s been somewhat chaotic and somewhat a ride, but things are moving forward and I’m working with everything that is coming my way as much as possible and letting go of those things that I can’t do. Let’s see what the future brings!